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Its been a long hard few months since i no longer have access to the internet its harder to update terrans web site i appreciate
all those who come to this site to learn of my son and how awsome a child he is.
A few months ago i went to work for my first job at the Tampa tribune what a joy i felt at having my first job in years
after years of taking care of terran dealing with doctors and hosptials i felt the change would be good prior to getting a
job i had spent hours at the cemetary seems no one wants a mom who has spent her enitire adult life taking care of children
no one wants to give me a chance
it was sept 24 my first night i was full of excitement but after a few weeks the newness wore off mainly due to my supervisor
felt she was above me and treated me like total crap calling me dumbass to say the least making me feel dumb and worthless
i was devistated i have a terrible time dealing with people in the first place since terran died along the route i met stephanie
she runs a USA today route i asked her if there was any openings at the time she said no then around thanksgiving she gave
me a shot as a sub carrier i worked for her 3 nights a week it was wonderful she treated me well taught me tricks of the trade
it was then i found how terriable i had been treated by stacey my manger at tampa trib as different as night and day stacy
treated me like a dog with no brain while stephanie and the usa today people treated me well and apprecated all my hard work
and i worked hard. after being treated terrible and we discovered our boxes (we load those boxes you buy papers out of )
were being stolen from we decided to give up the route thank god the manager at USA today did not belive stacey when she
tried to call them and bad mouth us so now I have a USA today paper route not huge but i am treated well and with respect
I have come to love the night at night theres so much peace that i long for the darkness i no longer visit terran for
hours i dont need to anymore he's here next to me we hear him and he makes his presence known a lot thankfuly this has given
me alot of peace so much so we made it through the holidays thank god
and although i long for death still I no longer beg for it on a daily basis i now have a good boss named rick and a dear
friend in stephanie who is not uncomfortable hearing my numerous stories of terran i cant wait for darkness cephas is doing
extremly well homeschooling dennis still has no job but doing better not as depressed doing better each day we all live for
nights now and the peace the darkness gives us
i still hate those who killed our child no matter what anyone tells me i know they killed my son and hate them but karma
will get them because the state of florida protects them.
I used to weight almost 200 lbs when terran died now i weight 115 some say too skinny but guess grief can do that to you
i miss my friends on the internet i miss my kids that moved away terran was the glue that held our family together this
26th of jan dennis and I will celebrate 30 years of marrage i am amazed our marriage survived losing terran but then again
i am amazed i survived losing terran
much love those who need to get a hold of me 727-277-2380
will update when i can
Sincerly Kim mom to terran
June 23-2008
One would think by this time the nightmares would be gone the grief lessened the days not so long the nights not so dark,
the anger not so fierce. Terrains body may not be here anymore but he is still with me I feel him more and more each day
and more and more as I seek out those who can see and hear his wonderful words. I take the steps of grief each more tortuous
for me to accomplish alone sitting here on Saturday Monday Tuesday any day alone in my sadness. the doctors who took my babies
life still continue their life’s while mine is stuck I unheeding grief why do I give them this power over me to
control me still as they controlled us when terrain was alive using my fear of his death against me to do their will. Days
are so long without terrans voice filling my ears my heart as full as the day he left my side us glimpses of him a cold breeze
here and there a light touch tells me h is still near my heart at tees times lightens and renews for I know he is beside me
even if I can’t see him he speaks to me at times I my head not my ears those are silenced forever I fear as I sit
here in tears
HIs room empty void of his laughter my cupports empty of his specialness no toys fill the floors cartoons no longer fill
my ears no power ranger weekends full of laughter and jeer oh the years slip by but the grief never leaves me I pass by his
picture and see those eyes full of wonder and live on how I miss those eyes and that laughter filing our home they silenced
him forever when will they pay for hurting us when will they suffer as I suffer.
someone said once "if god told you before terrains birth that you would only have him 10 years would you refuse him
of course not but does that lessen my sadness knowing or praying that with our saying goodbye to him there were some saying
hello to him welcome home that now his body is healed no more pain no more needles I should e glad for him and if this is
true I am but I miss him so much I miss him and I am selfish and want him ere to enjoy him still why did he leave me to me
god had two choices to cure him or take him home to answer his prayers why did he chose to take him I will never understand.
at times the sadness is so overwhelming so consuming and unrelenting that it takes all my strength to stay I this world
I have grown to hate no reason to continue the struggle with him my strength and yet in the same sense my heart at times is
at peace at times I can breathe at times I can think those are the times I ride my bike sometimes 30 miles a day driving to
exhaustion they say it’s those days when I am free to ride my bike that I can dream those dreams not filled with
so much ager the dreams where terrain did not die they did not kill him that he is safe in his room and I am at his side.
each day I ask myself how much longer each day I curse my wretched heart that refuses to stop beating damn my body for
betraying my heart’s desire and let me go home..
No strength to go on I want my baby back I don’t want to be a grieving mother full of hate and distain for those
who took my Childs life I don’t want the nightmares I miss the sun when will it end for me I pray in my deepest
heart its soon until then I ride my bike as fast and as long as my legs will carry me maybe I too will be lucky ad soon god
will grant my wish and let me come home too. Then I will be happy once again
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