|
Hello
Its been a while since I have been able to write to terran's web site much less write letters to terran on his web site
its been a tough few months lots of changes Dennis lost his job last month a job he held for 6 years but Goodrich said since
terran's death Dennis has not done so good at his job and in a way they are right its tough to lose a child Dennis was forced
back to work a mere week after terran's death he had to go each day knowing his wife was on the verge of suicide due to overwhelming
grief each day he came home not knowing what he would find. I felt so bad for Dennis and Cephas and the rest of my family
but was so overwhelmed with my grief I could not help them. Its been a tough journey life is so empty without terran in our
life's what turned us around was accepting this fact NO one can bring terran back we are all sad and grieve in our own ways
we must accept each others grief since doing this thing have gotten better
While our world today will look strange to others at least we are still here and together Cephas asked a few weeks ago
if he could move in to terran's room I said ok its been so nice to have life in his room again Cephas kept all terran's things
and moved them to the top bunk also Cephas asked if he could be home schooled the pressure of school almost destroyed him
last year so we agreed
Since Dennis lost his job we have started to deliver the Tampa tribune as a family
This has allowed us to switch the pressure off every one including Cephas while we don't make a lot of money doing them
at least we can be together this has helped the healing process so much I cant even begin to understand it myself since starting
the paper I don't go to visit terran nearly as I did its helped Dennis and Cephas grow closer we talk more now then we did
when we first lost terran things have gotten better but we all share one fact our home is empty of a wonderful child and we
all miss him dearly but we no longer sneak in our grief terran's name is spoken often each day memories are shared openly
and lovingly this is wonderful to us to others who feel we need to move on its not but we have accepted the fact we can not
please every one in our grief we have found what works for us to have terran's essence to allow the strange things that go
one around our house to invite terran to continue being a part of our home and life's even though its only his essence or
sprite we accept things others would not in the darkness of the night we have found a new world a peaceful world making new
friends who did not know us before now are learning of our child in doing so and talking of terran we hope to teach them that
saying a child's name is not taboo doing things like having picnics at terran's grave maybe macabre to some but to us its
comforting and a way we can deal with such a huge tragedy. We long for closure. While we long for it seems those we belief
caused his death will never see justice that hurts and that pain gets deeper but being helpless to change it right now we
move on preferring to remember terran to love terran not as a past person but as a present person we never say we loved terran
for we will never stop loving this wonderful child even in death we love him still
but I confess I do miss human companionship since terran's death and my overwhelming grief people shy away from me not
knowing what to say has caused them to not say anything this hurts so much for I dearly miss the support I once had I long
to talk of terran I long to hold him and wonder if anyone feels the way I do
Kim mom to terran
recently the st petersburg times visited us once again and agreed to run a new story it was my hope that it would help others
who grieve the lost of a child see they are not alone but by the comments left by readers i see i made a huge mistake it just
shows that in this country its not easy to lose a child because pressure from society tends to push you in directions you
may not be ready to go. but alas at least there were some who saw the benefit in doing the story i hope i did not upset anyone
its not my intention to upset or anger any one in writing to terrans web site at first it was a healing process a way to empty
my full heart in sharing my grief i hoped to help others see just how one mother grieves a beloved child its my grief some
may understand some may not regardless of that fact at least its here for all to see i have opened my heart to the world in
hopes of reaching one mother in my shoes.
Much love
June 23-2008
One would think by this time the nightmares would be gone the grief lessened the days not so long the nights not so dark,
the anger not so fierce. Terrains body may not be here anymore but he is still with me I feel him more and more each day
and more and more as I seek out those who can see and hear his wonderful words. I take the steps of grief each more tortuous
for me to accomplish alone sitting here on Saturday Monday Tuesday any day alone in my sadness. the doctors who took my babies
life still continue their life’s while mine is stuck I unheeding grief why do I give them this power over me to
control me still as they controlled us when terrain was alive using my fear of his death against me to do their will. Days
are so long without terrans voice filling my ears my heart as full as the day he left my side us glimpses of him a cold breeze
here and there a light touch tells me h is still near my heart at tees times lightens and renews for I know he is beside me
even if I can’t see him he speaks to me at times I my head not my ears those are silenced forever I fear as I sit
here in tears
HIs room empty void of his laughter my cupports empty of his specialness no toys fill the floors cartoons no longer fill
my ears no power ranger weekends full of laughter and jeer oh the years slip by but the grief never leaves me I pass by his
picture and see those eyes full of wonder and live on how I miss those eyes and that laughter filing our home they silenced
him forever when will they pay for hurting us when will they suffer as I suffer.
someone said once "if god told you before terrains birth that you would only have him 10 years would you refuse him
of course not but does that lessen my sadness knowing or praying that with our saying goodbye to him there were some saying
hello to him welcome home that now his body is healed no more pain no more needles I should e glad for him and if this is
true I am but I miss him so much I miss him and I am selfish and want him ere to enjoy him still why did he leave me to me
god had two choices to cure him or take him home to answer his prayers why did he chose to take him I will never understand.
at times the sadness is so overwhelming so consuming and unrelenting that it takes all my strength to stay I this world
I have grown to hate no reason to continue the struggle with him my strength and yet in the same sense my heart at times is
at peace at times I can breathe at times I can think those are the times I ride my bike sometimes 30 miles a day driving to
exhaustion they say it’s those days when I am free to ride my bike that I can dream those dreams not filled with
so much ager the dreams where terrain did not die they did not kill him that he is safe in his room and I am at his side.
each day I ask myself how much longer each day I curse my wretched heart that refuses to stop beating damn my body for
betraying my heart’s desire and let me go home..
No strength to go on I want my baby back I don’t want to be a grieving mother full of hate and distain for those
who took my Childs life I don’t want the nightmares I miss the sun when will it end for me I pray in my deepest
heart its soon until then I ride my bike as fast and as long as my legs will carry me maybe I too will be lucky ad soon god
will grant my wish and let me come home too. Then I will be happy once again
Each day i continue each day i take a breath i pray its my last
Grief still holds tight
|
