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[Glitterfy.com - *Glitter Text*]
[Glitterfy.com - *Glitter Text*]
Tombstone
Generator
Aug 4
next week on the 16 terran would have been 11 his birthday has always been his favorite day of all most of the last few
years he has been in the hosptial on this day last year it was teh best birthday yet with cards and letters coming from all
over the world for him those pictures and cards and letters lined the walls of his hosptial room those last few weeks of his
life today they are presious items in his room we spread them all over his walls along with the cards and letters he got after
his transplant and for his birthday as well its the hardest time since he died i dont know how i will survive this next week
much less his day i wish I could say I had a great plan for his day but to not even be on this earth but to have him in my
arms well that's one wish i hope some day to have granted again
please join me and pray for my babys soul may he fly ever higher i hope jesus gives him the biggest birthday cake ever
seen in heaven and this time i pray he gets to eat it
Dear Terran
next week you would have been 11 and in what would have been a wonderful day
now i fear that day most of all the days since you left my side
no gifts no party no nurses singing happy birthday no happy faces or sloppy kisses
How many times did I tell you that you could not die before I did? Because
I could not live if you died. SO MANY TIMES. Did I hold you here too long
to suffer more than you should? I could not bear the thought of life without
you. Children should not die before their parents.
How many times has my heart cried "I lied, I lied, I didn't mean it," since
that last morning when I knew it was time to let you go. You told me that
you loved me more than anything but you wanted to go home to Heaven. I told
you it was Okay, that I wanted you to go and not have to suffer anymore.
I told you that when a child is born the cord that binds a mother and child
together is cut, but there is an invisible cord that binds us that can never
be broken. That wherever you go I will always be with you, and no matter
where I am you would always be with me.
Because I loved you more than life itself I had to let you go. But my heart
still cries, "I didn't mean it, it was a lie, I didn't want you to die."
But I will always carry you in my heart, and part of my heart and soul went
with you that day. I know that you are waiting for me in Heaven. ONLY THEN
WILL I BE WHOLE AGAIN.
love you baby and i cant wait to be with you again
July 21
its been so long since you left us baby so long and still i cant seem to live i cant breathe i barely sleep always surrounded
by darkness
yet in the middle of all this sadness i sense your presence all around me even sometimes i think i can see you maybe even
hear your voice
is there a place where we go when we leave this place is it wonderful as they say where every wish every dream comes true
when you left my side were you taken to a new place a place of peace were you greeted with gladness and love as you were when
you came to us at birth is death here a birth in heaven and did you at last obtain your dream on that day the saddest day
of my life did your dream fanally come true at last were you free and happy were they able to give you all i was unable to
give you at last you were free
is there others realms where souls go and live where every wish every dream comes true in a instant do they sit and watch
us guild us and show us the way do they help us are they around us in this unforseen world they can see us but are sad because
we can not feel them do they stand beside us when we cry trying in vain to dry our tears screaming in our ears "mommie
I am here" "mommie I love you" Mommie i am healed " why cant i hear your words baby why cant i feel
your touch why cant i feel happy for you when at last your dream has come true
in my human failing i would have moved mountains to keep you given my own life just to ease your pain to keep you with
me i would have done anything but it was beyond my power to heal you to give you the one thing that was denied you since you
were born in my weakness my humaness i forced upon you years of pain and saddness my weak attempts to keep you caused you
pain for that i will forever suffer for it was I who wanted to keep you I who forced you to stay when your soul wanted to
return in peace i will never forgive myself for allowing them to hurt you to make those last few days and weeks ones that
should have been carefree and full of love but in my not wanting to let you go i ruined your death if only i knew my baby
if only i knew things would have been so different peace and love would have surrounded you when you went home my love peace
and love
if i regret anything i ever did in my taking care of you my love it was in letting them touch you for that i will forever
suffer the memory of your death forever will i feel regret and sadness
if in deed there are other realms in which we inhabit and if indeed you are on one of them i pray you are happy i pray
you are healthy and surronded by all the love i pray that you attained all your soul needed during its life time so you will
never have to feel the pain of life again my love in this i pray
someday we will be together again I hope and pray that day is very soon for I miss you my baby I miss you and I love you
Mother still asks why her son died
She's unhappy that the hospital isn't held accountable.
By CAMILLE C. SPENCER
Published June 17, 2007
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A month after her 10-year-old son bled to death at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami-Dade, Kim Robinstein filed a complaint
alleging that doctors there killed him.
While the state's Agency for Health Care Administration cited the hospital for deficiencies, the agency's findings don't
support her allegation that doctors were responsible for the death of her son, whose disease caused his intestinal tract to
malfunction.
"I'm frustrated," said Robinstein, of Port Richey. "I can't believe they're still open."
In her October complaint with AHCA regarding her son Terran, who died Sept. 24, Robinstein said: Terran was moved to a
room that wasn't equipped for his care and was exposed to latex despite having a latex allergy. The major thing that contributed
to his death was a staph infection he received while in ICU.
Her complaint prompted AHCA to investigate the Miami hospital in November.
After AHCA's visit, Jackson Memorial was forced to correct its mistakes.
Among them:
Officials at the 1,558-bed hospital failed to report, investigate or control infections at the hospital.
Large holes were found in the floor of an operating room where patients were receiving care.
A refrigerator that held food for patients was dirty, along with serving utensils in one of the hospital's kitchens.
In response to the AHCA investigation, officials at the hospital refused to speak to a Times reporter.
Instead, Jackson Hospital released a brief statement:
"... the deficiencies brought to our attention by AHCA were immediately acted upon. A plan of correction was submitted,
accepted and implemented. At Jackson Health System, we are committed to our patients and their well-being. They are, and always
will be, our top priority."
While Jackson Memorial said it was dealing with its problems, Robinstein grieved for her son.
Terran was born with Hirschsprung's disease and spent most of his life in a hospital. He was unable to eat solid foods
and had a colostomy bag.
On Sept. 3, Terran had a seven-organ transplant at Jackson Memorial. Two weeks later, his esophagus graft fell apart,
and he developed a staph infection.
Doctors repaired it, but told Robinstein that the graft was at the greatest risk to fall apart nine to 14 days later.
Because of overcrowding in the ICU, Terran was taken to a regular room nine days later. He bled to death the next day.
Robinstein held a home funeral for her son.
Now, she spends three hours a day at Trinity Memorial Gardens, where Terran is buried. She plays music and talks to him.
She said she's still confused about what happened to Terran during his final hours at Jackson Memorial.
"Nobody has ever sat down with me to explain what happened," she said. "And I don't think they ever will."
Camille C. Spencer can be reached at cspencer@sptimes.com or (727) 869-6229.
I WON'T SAY GOODBYE, TODAY IS NOT THE DAY. I KNOW WE WILL MEET AGAIN, SOMEPLACE, SOME WAY. WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN,
SOME DAY.
THEREFORE YOU NOW HAVE SORROW; BUT I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN AND YOUR HEART WILL REJOICE, AND YOUR JOY NO ONE WILL TAKE FROM
YOU. John 16:22
I will not walk with him again
Beside a mountain stream;
Or down a quiet woodland path
Sharing all his dreams.
I will not hear his special laugh
Or know his teasing ways;
No secrets shared, no looking for
His smile to light my days.
I will not see the sparkle of
His large expressive eyes,
That sometimes cried and sometimes held
The stars that fill the skies.
I will not hear, "I love you, Mom,
Though sometimes I don't show it;"
But through the years that quickly passed,
Somehow I'd always know it.
I will not hear him tease his sister
As he laughs with glee;
He won't be there for picnics,
How hard that is for me.
I will not hear his music
While he (loudly) sings along;
I won't discuss with him again
The merits of a song.
I will not see him "digging in"
To all his favorite meals;
Nor laugh or cry or hold him
Through all the things he feels.
I will not feel his special hugs
And hold him in my arms;
Nor be manipulated by
His smile...his talk...his charm.
For now he walks with angels and
The pain he knew has ceased;
Now its God who holds him close
In never-ending peace.
But though he's gone, within my heart
Are precious memories of
These special things...surrounded by
A mother's endless love.
I am sailing, I am sailing,
Home again cross the sea.
I am sailing, stormy waters,
To be near you, to be free.
I am flying, I am flying,
Like a bird cross the sky.
I am flying, passing high clouds,
To be with you, to be free.
Can you hear me, can you hear me
Thro the dark night, far away,
I am dying, forever trying,
To be with you, who can say.
Can you hear me, can you hear me,
Thro the dark night far away.
I am dying, forever trying,
To be with you, who can say.
We are sailing, we are sailing,
Home again cross the sea.
We are sailing stormy waters,
To be near you, to be free.
Oh lord, to be near you, to be free.
Oh lord, to be near you, to be free,
Oh lord. to be near you terran to be free
| Terran caring for babies till their mom comes home |
|
| In life I cared for Terran in death he cares for other transplant babies and brings them to jesus |
Gone from my side never gone from my heart. Mommie loves you terran
click here To view videos of terran on youtube
Sept 24, 2006 Terran joined a unique club Transplant Angels They will not be Forgotten Click here to watch video
Special memorial site by jennifer othellos mom
Video by Omar aka Merrick (disney mgm power ranger) in honor of terran
|
| Sept 12, 2006 Doing better now only oxygen support |
Am I alone
I get a funny feeling,
it comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,
wanting
to go and hide.
My doctor calls it depression,
But the thoughts and feelings,
no one will ever be able to see.
Some say I'm psycho,
some say I'm just weird.
It's like I'm a different person,
and the old me just disappeared.
I
get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide real bad.
Then I get a headache,
followed by feeling sad.
I wish
I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
it will some day.
"We Do Not Need a Special Day"
by Connie Dyer
We do not need a special day
To bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.
Each morning when we awake,
We know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache
As we try to carry on.
Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.
Our thoughts are always with you,
Your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
In death we love you still.
There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were here.
If tears could make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.
We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.
Our family chain is broken now,
And nothing seems the same,
But as GOD calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
To all here is a special poem I wrote tonight I was thinking of all the times I was frustrated with terran frustrated with
his doctors frustrated with all I had to deal with the endless nights in hospitals the doctors the absences of friends the
tears I shed for my beloved terran and now I look back and I think I would give anything just to have to yell at terran for
messing his pants for having to get up for the umpteenth time to fix that darn feeding pump or to comfort him after a terrible
dream to feel his warmth beside me I would give my last breath so next time you feel at your wits end dealing with doctors
nurses or even your spouse or your child think in an instant you could be in my shoes I pray you never are. Now take a deep
breath hug and kiss that special child over and over again and thank god he gave you the pleasure of having such a wonderful
child as your child is
much love this Xmas season
Kim
http://terranstransplant.com
No end in sight
head on her knees tears roll down her face
the days long with no end in sight
the chairs she has sat the beds they shared the floors she's paced
tubes wires endless frustrations
tall short young and old enter their room white coats flapping in flight
no end in sight
tears stroll down their cheeks as they hug each other gathering strength from the warmth they share. words she does not
want to hear come from the mouths of the white coats from strangers from friends. tears shed in this room and others tears
for her special child tears for her broken heart
no end in sight
then in an instant all is changed no more warmth to gather strength replaced with coldness and sadness. White coats
now black as they take the frustrations from her sight she longs for the warmth. Words exchanged sadness shared
she longs for the chairs the bed they shared the floors she paced the tubes and wires the endless frustrations tears again
roll down her cheeks but no warmth comforts her no joy fills her heart only sadness and darkness. For her child is no longer
here in an instant the end is in her sight.
Kim
Please read about others like terran by going to a new site Transplant Angels
click here to read beautiful article about terran in our tampa bay news paper on terrans life
Letters to terran is updated daily click here to read latest letter to terran
jesus please leave the light on for my boy he's afraid of the dark and let him just this once jesus let him watch his favorite
video till his eyes become droopy from sleep make sure you tuck him tight so he feels safe and warm kiss his eyes ever so
lightly jesus and jesus if its not a problem kiss him for mommie since she cant be near.
good night darling sleep tight dont let those heavely bed bugs bite till mommie can lay by your side.
mommie
Click here to view a video from thanksgiving with terran
6 months ago this sunday
6 Months ago I had a son a beautiful wonderful son full of life 6 months ago I had a life not much to some but a life
6 months ago had a son whose smile lit up my heart I lived for that smile now I don't live now I simply survive each day
struggling to get out of bed each day spending more and more time at terran's side pleading with god to let me join him again
to fill my life full of the joy I once had
6 months ago I had a son and in an instant that child was gone a night that replays in my mind over and over it plays
each agonizing second I don't think I will ever be able to dream again how i wish i could live for him again now all I want
is to be with him its not gotten any easier nor any better
6 months ago we had a family now in an instant that family has been ripped apart touched by death of our beloved child
no one wants to be here anymore all mourn for this special child
at least I can sit next to him every day for hours on end I sit by him waiting and praying for it to end I pray we are
together again soon.
6 months ago I fell in to a new world a world where i did want to be its a strange world a world with its own language
and customs
for 6 months I have stuggled to find a way to live in this new world i have been put in but each day i fall further away
from the old world and slip further in to the new world
6 month in this new world a world of I'm sorry and IF i can help 6 months of loneliness and saddness stuggling to go one
stuggling to breath stuggling to find my way in this strange new world with no escape
6 months ago i arrved in this place no i did not hurt some one or break the law but none the less 6 months ago i was locked
in this new world my sentace forever no death sentace for me no such comfort allowed in this new world the name of this world
GRIEF
my crime my child was killed my child was taken from my arms for ever never to be allowed to smell his sweet scent never
again to see his smiling face never again to lay next to him and snuggle to hear his sweet voice "I love you mommie"
This strange world is so horrble but stangely full of others who are like me the stange world is empty and sad No children
allowed it says on the gates no children allowed only darkness here only sad tear stained eyes
My child died my child lies alone in a dark lonely place each day I sit by him waiting to join him someday if i am lucky
I will I hope and pray for death as its the only way i can leave this stranger new world.
Jan 23
It was 4 months ago last Sunday since terran left my side and my life changed forever some good things came as a result
of terran's death I no longer yell as much at my children I never yell at my grandchildren I am never critical of my grown
children and see things in a much bigger picture that at any moment I or they can leave this world and I never want them to
feel I don't love them nor can I do enough for them I try so hard each day to say only good things to those who cross my path
I try to do good for who ever i meet each day and try only to do well for terran i miss him so much and long for him so badly
at times its over welming but then the sun comes up and goes down the tears flow the world goes on.
I am forever changed by my terran and all he taught me while he was here most of it good some of it bad I have had to
attend two more funerals since he left me and prayerfully I was able to help moms just a bit. All of us share a unique pain
only a mothers of special children can know. Its a unique pain like no other we spend so much time trying to save our children
and fill our days with so much of them that when they are gone the days are long and hard since the void left by these wonderful
children is so huge its impossible to fill. While my days used to be full of feeding terran playing with terran caring for
terran and then caring for my other children who never needed much care all are very independent now my days are pretty much
spent at his grave where I spend most of my time each day and all day on Sunday since his death I pretty much have given up
on life as life is no longer as wonderful as it was when he was here. I spent a good deal of time trying to find a job but
it became so upsetting that my husband and I decided that for now its best if i stop looking and wait for God to show me what
he wants me to do.
I hope and pray some good has come out of his death maybe a nurse will be more vigil in her care of the frail children
in their care or the residents no longer brush off parents concerns and listen I can only pray that someday children will
be treated better and more will be done to save them
As for me I wait with baited breath for my day to come when again I will see that sweet loving child who brought me so
much joy and love and once again my heart will be full.
Jan 2,
I sit here day in day out missing you and what gets me is how people treat us how they treat your memory its like its
a crime to kill a child a crime to hurt a child its a crime to kiddnap a child but when a doctor when a hosptial causes a
childs death no one seems to care i mean this world is crazy we put people to death for murdering a child but when you put
MD behind the name some how its ok or if a resident causes or contributes to a death thats ok too no one blinks twice you
cant even sue them anymore since our goverment put a limit on awards so low most lawyers wont touch even a cut and dry case.
Lawyers like doctors seem to be money prestige when did we forget that that child whose death they caused had a mom a dad
a sister a brother a niece or nephew grandmother grandfather that child was loved and just because a medical doctor caused
his death or contributed to that childs death no crime has been committed no trial no jail time no death penality i wonder
if doctors were held to the standards we hold everyone else to would they work harder would things get over looked would
money always be before care or is greed all they can see and what about the pain they wrought on this family the pain of
4 year old destiny who cries for her uncle terran or autumn who does not understand where uncle terran is or angel who does
not understand why grandma cries so much and why she does not want to play anymore or elexys who was the same age as terran
who has grown up so pretty so tall and smart how she wishes she could share her health with uncle terran so he could be here
to play with. No one understands the pain not only in terrans death but in the way he died so violent so unessary and no
one can ever bring him back to us but whats to stop those who killed him to stop and take a long look at what they have done
and stop how many more children will die at their hands under the umbrella of MEDICINE and saving children is it ok to do
this if 5 in 100 children live how many die while they learn how many lives are ruined for the sake of their endowed chair
or in order to make news how many more families will suffer as ours has before we stop excusing these doctors and hospitals
for killing chidlren and saying " its not our fault we did not have the money for decent nurses or to have what a child
needs or even decent monitors or room in the icu for frail children" we excuse the blown lungs because a resident is
learning how to put in a cvl line and if the child lives cool but when the child dies its pushed under the carpet While terran
recieved the best care at all childrens and with dr reinstein miami was a different matter he was just another medical experiment
to them and i am supposed to just go one with my life with teh memory of his death every second of the night he died burned
forever in my soul replays every night they wish i would seek help for my anger for my saddness maybe then i can stop haunting
them. And no one seems to care how they took a life and if they were anyone else they would stand trail for murder but under
the protection of the goverment now they are free to do as they wish and not care about who they hurt or who they kill as
we are powerless to stop them or maybe we are not maybe someday we will hold them responsible for the deaths they cause maybe
someday terran's death will teach them not to hurt other children in my dreams
I know this is a harsh post but after months of fighting only to find out nothing will change due to terrans death that
no one seems to care they hurt my baby they took my baby from my arms in hurting him they hurt all of us and in letting them
get away with it they are free to hurt other children under the giese of Helping them they are free to experiment as much
as they like if 6 in a 100 children live they will poster these children as success and forget the children who died so these
6 could live and when those 6 also die but much later again they will forget those children and the families they have ruined
as well
God help those who have harmed a child in causing a childs death they have stopped a generation
Where are these caring wonderful doctors who claim to have fought to save my childs life at this moment when i am sitting
here in tears they are safe and sound in their fancy beds in their fancy homes their children lie in nice home in a nice nieghborhood
go to safe schools while mine lies in a cold grave maked by a stone that bears his name
where Dr Gennaro Selvaggi who just 10 days before terran died saved terrans life and stated to my husband and I that they
would extra care of terran where was he when terran died
where was Kyota Fukazawa or Akira Maki the residents who caused terrans death by over looking major signs that terran
was in trouble but because they were learning were excused in terrans death dr maki who claimed to have 10 years expeience
in transplant who we kidded 10 days before when he over looked terrans graft had ripped apart and allowed terran to suffer
for 10 hours before dr selvaggi finaly took the time to come to the ICU and rushed terran in to surgery he promised that mistake
would never happen again but or Dr fukazawa who caused a major infection in terrans wound that caused terran not to beable
to be closed because no one taught him proper sterile technique or did he do it because he was just lazy I will never know
these two were left to care for the most fragile kids and no attending doctor was in the hosptial the night terran began to
die they were too busy doing yet anohter transplant when your child dies you second guess yourself you blame yourself do they
blame themselfs I was told their was a meeting about terrans death where dr kato went over all terrans records why did he
not do that before he rushed terran to the floor to his death knowing that he was at the most critical stage in his transplant
knowing that a mere 9days before dr selvaggi said that terrans graft could come apart again where was he oh he was at terrans
bedside when he died he tried to save him but it was too late this time too much time had gone by to save him
where are the nurses the few that were on that night paid so much becuase they were special to transplant floor comanding
high salarys due to being so well trained but they failed terran they hemed and hawed and when terran died they left for their
safe homes leaving us to gieve pushing the memory of our child's safety aside after all he was a sick child who was ment to
die anyway who can blame them
where was jang moon the organ procurement surgeon who just 2 weeks before told us that the organs he put in our child
were only put there becuase he felt our child had a great need that no other transplant center would have used those organs
due to being damaged those infected damaged organs caused our childs death but that too will be pushed aside after all he
was a sick child destined to die anyhow they were extendeding his life so we excuse the pain and suffering our child endured
because of this doctors decsioin to use those organs on our child. even when those organs took our childs life we never again
saw this man whose decsion caused our childs death.
who blames me for my anger towards those who caused terrans death who will pay blood for blood life for life for my childs
life them no they are home safe and sound in the morning they will climb in to their bmw's or other fancy cars go to work
and do it all over again after all no one can touch them they have immunity granted by the goverment whose job it is to protect
my childs life.
and what if god forbid and heaven help me for even putting this in words what if this was your child's story what if this
happened to your family would you be angry and sad as I am or would you too forgive them but would you ever be able to forget
those who caused your childs death.
as for those loving caring professionals who just 21 days
days before fought to save my childs life will nothing ever be done to them for taking his life will they never pay I
know i will with bills well over a million dollars for their services they get paid while i sit next to a cold grave a kiss
my childs picture forever crying wishing to die.
To those caring professionals that did try to save my childs life i will forever be gratful dr reinstein who for years
and years fought to not only to save terrans life but to make his life as great as possible whose caring ears never grew tired
of my whining even with terran gone he still cares for my family a true caring doctor with a caring staff like jessica his
nurse or any of his staff even the beloved Dr. W whom we never could pronounce his name but even though he took care of terran
such a short amount of time proved to us that he truely cared i guess one reason terrans death hurts so much is that in my
heart i know that if terran had been in all childrens under dr reinsteins care even if terran would have died he would not
died as he did not the horrible death or the tremdous suffering and pain he endured for 21 days that makes it so hard knowing
that good care was only a short distance away and knowing i played a part in terrans death in allowing the transplant that
in my heart i knew was the only way i could keep terran i also knew that it could cause his death i prayed and prayed that
if i stayed by his side no matter what i could save him but in the hour when he needed his doctors to be doctors they failed
him we all failed him
I wish so much that i never took terran to miami that i never again allowed them to retransplant terran and even if terran
would have died later that i know in my heart his death would have hurt i know that but his death would not have been as
horrible or as painful as it was. I pray each day that this is a horrible nightmare that someday I will wake up and find
it was all a terrible mistake that terran is safe and sound in his bed in his room and will soon wake up and play with his
toys call "mom come here i am up" I miss that voice i miss that child more than life did they know that when they
took his life when their neglect caused my sons life.
Forver thankful to the loving staff of all children's hospital in st petersburg to the nurses and doctors that fought
for years to save terran to give terran a decent life who truely cared for my son millions of times showing me how good it
can be to have a wondeful child like terran forever grateful to dr reinstein and his staff at bay pediatrics and GI and nurtition
day or night they were there for us terran always knew no matter how sick he was all he had to go was get to dr r and he would
be ok it hurts so bad that terran did not feel the same way about miami maybe in terrans deeepest heart of hearts knew that
one day they would take his life. and thats why he screamed and cried when he heard he had to go to miami GOd help me get
through the anger and pain of my beloved terran's death so I too may show mercy to those who took his life.
Dec 24, 2006 3 months, 12 weeks 90 days since you flew to heaven
young, old, rich, poor, grandmothers, grandfathers, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, niece's and nephews, all come
to this place of peace seeking wondering remembering some take the time to stop by and glance my way some take time and talk
and learn of you in turn I learn of their beloved some the grief shadows thier face some the grief so recent so harsh causes
them to sit alone next to their loved ones as i sit by your side in death as in life we share each other with the world.
My heart broken the void you left in my soul can never be filled left in this world alone and searching i reach out to others
to fill the need only to be rebuked by the world but in this place we are all the same touched by death we are weakened and
meek normalcy escapes us as we touch each other. A place of peace a place of tranquility the only place i can find in this
world where my heart skips a beat my mind quiets my soul at peace its when i am torn from this spot my heart quivers my head
spins as i must endure this world with out you in it.
Sleep my baby sleep tonight for tommorrow you will have a christmas like no other for you will have every wish fulfilled
by christ himself a party like no other like none i could give you sleep my love sleep and dream of me as I will dream of
you and dream of the day when this place will be my place of peace as at long last I too will lie at your feet never to be
torn from my arms again I too will join the celebration of this day and celebration of the day god sent his son to this world
to save us so we too could join the heavenly party so we too could be saved. Until then my darling my love enjoy all that
heaven has to offer know in my heart i share it with you even if its only in my heart. mommie loves you baby
Dec 9th 2006
Endless days and nights filled with saddness. Holidays are upon us but my heart is too sad to feel all the gladness around
me. Today we said goodbye to isaac his moms eyes so red her heart so full of saddness. Eyes red other moms came to share
her saddness to share their own as well. The drive there not so bad the drive home alone was torture visions of death floated
in to my head in a mear second life is gone a mear second saddness is replaced by gladdness as I enter the tunnel that will
lead me to heaven where my baby is at the end of the tunnel he stands waiting for me to come my aching arms full of gladness
as i embrace him and since celebrations to god for I am home. Death so easy so tempting to my soul that longs for peace and
finds only saddness as i lay my head down another night waiting for death to take me home.
Nov 23, 2006 Thanksgiving
our first thanksgiving day without terran dennis and I dreaded that empty chair at our table so decided not to celebrate
the holiday instead of getting up at dawn to cook a turkey and all the trimmings I got up and went to see terran first thing
to spend some alone time. It was so wonderful i cried he danced magical. The girls kept calling asking if we would reconsider
we refused none of us could deal with this day we told them if they wanted to join us they could come here and see terran.
Then later i went to wake dennis up him and cephas slept in cephas helped me make a nice picnic lunch we gathered videos and
such and off we went. With a blanket spread and terran at our sides we sat down to eat joking but oddly enough no tears were
shed this day we joked and watched family guy not caring who stared as others came by and visited their loved ones. When
i was alone in the am i was very sad a man approached me and asked if could intrude. Of course i said yes we spoke of terran
and of his wife who died of cancer three years ago then he said somthing that broke my heart "mam he said i see you all
the time sitting here your sons grave is so pretty and cheerful today i was very sad and did not want to go on but seeing
you sitting here talking to terran and hearing about him well mame it made me feel so much better " i told him how special
terran was and how he was always doing this to me forcing me from my shell even when I wanted to duck my head terran went
ahead and made friends anyway and I guess he still is he touched so many lives even in death terran still touches hearts.
and still helps me
later after we ate tabby and dwayne and the kids came down there was not room in her van for cassy and her brood saddly
she had to stay home but her heart was here megan even came later not a tear was shed this day tabby started but we joked
her away a day that started out so saddly ended with joy and love who could ask for more
I learned today i can survive although i dont want to continue and am forced to stay in a body each day i am given something
to help make it not so terrible.
Terran mommie loves you more and more each day mommie still cries for you baby mommie longs to hold you in her arms
Monday NOv 13, 2006
I was watching walker texas ranger tonight like we used to it helps baby to watch things that you used to love tonight
they did an episode where a little girl needed a liver transplant her doctors worked so hard to get just the right one for
her a donor was found in time but the liver was highjacked by bad men the little girl oh my baby it brought back such bad
memoies of the night you died but this girl was lucky baby she had caring doctors at her side who kept her going till the
liver got to her it took forever the nurses so caring and responsive noticed the second the baby had trouble breathing not
like when you went down and they did not have the right equipment to save you no her doctor was right there caring for her
working hard till walker could get her liver to her. Oh my lord things should have been so different for you I keep
thinking if only you had been in the icu instead of being moved out to make room for a vip's child and no more room for you
when you needed to be moved back no proper equipment to save your life you had such a good life you were such a good boy you
deserved so much more i wish i had gotten you better doctors baby she too was bleeding out like you were but the doctors and
nurses rushed to save her life god i wish life was like tv and you were safe and sound in my arms right now god why did i
take you there why did i trust that they would not risk your life for money i know now you were moved for money another had
more then mommie so she got your bed you needed and not even a citizen at that i get so angry thinking of how things would
have been different if you were still in icu if the nurses were caring if the doctors would have moved faster if if if why
did they let you die while i forgive them i will never forget what they did you to why you had to die when others who had
more money could save their child while mine had to die. This child lived while mine died
I feel so good when i am with you at your grave i know its sounds so stupid me sitting there eating mc donalds with you
but you took them did'nt you baby i left you some nuggets to share with the others in heaven like i did the candy and you
were there and you took them i left you more today oh baby how is mommie to go on i feel so empty inside i think about
you all day long i know god took you home because he like me could not stand to see you suffer at miami's hands anymore and
he felt powerless i just wish he would have helped mommie make you better not taken you home why did you not get a miricle
why did you die. Mommie is trying baby i try so hard each day to be good so i can one day be near you one day baby i
know i will be happy because we will be together at last with no one to hurt you or me ever again. I need you so much
your face will grace our car window baby we took the picture of you with the fish and the one with your rangers and we had
a pretty sign made for the back of the car so now everyone will know who you were and they will come here and read of what
happened to you. maybe we will save a life maybe a parent is reading this and will not take their child to miami maybe
they will take them to boston or nebraska where they still take good care of the children maybe then their child will have
a chance to live and not die like you did I hope so baby its all i think of now how to do what ever i can to save the other
children who may die because of uncaring doctors who think more of money and status instead of the presious children they
have been entrusted in caring for.
My heart is so heavy your picture is every where in this house in my car in my heart each moment of the day i think of
you baby and dream of one day one day baby we will be together again.
Sunday Nov 12 7 weeks since you left me
as i approaced terran's grave today i got quite a surprise a simple piece of paper lay next to his rangers a letter
from terran i share it here as i read the letter tears rolled down my face as i can see him sitting on jesus lap writing this
with his savior helping him as I would. I miss him more and more each day and each day some day the pain will ease then I
will be the happiest mommie in heaven for i will be able to share his joy once more.
"Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not
around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other
again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room
and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys
do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat
place. Grandma and Grandpa and Mickey, Christian, Jacob, Joshua, all my friends met me as soon as I got here and showed me
around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you
know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to
see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when
I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed.
Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is
the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions
you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was
on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've
written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen
back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper.
I'm sure the food will be great.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The Hirschsprung's and Pseudo obstruction is all gone. I'm
glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent
The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
 
Monday oct 30, 2006 36 days since you left me
So much has changed since terran died so much its hard to understand all that happened in this long span of time. Today
was especially heart wrenching i cried all night and all day thinking of terran his picture burned in my head as i laid down
willing myself to die. In my dream i discoverd I must do one more thing I must forgive those who caused terrans death my
anger my hurt my pain was partly due to my anger at them for letting him die. That anger fueled my pain and intestified
it to such a great lenght i cant describe the pain my heart felt each night as i laid my head down and attempted to sleep
the images of his last two hours burned forever in my brain over and over again i replayed it helpless to stop the image all
i could do was cry harder and harder till I thought no tears would form in my eyes. But now i must forgive them i say a silent
prayer for their souls to move on from this pain they have caused me and my son. For me to release them from the guilt of
thier sins i absolve them from this sin of ignorance. They are mere humans who are frought with inperfection so little and
small i pray for them to grow and maybe some day they will see what they have done to us.
My heart is over flowing and never ending some have written how strong i am how if they were me they would do this or
that truth be told i gave up weeks ago all my energy flowed from my anger towards those who caused terrans untimely death
but in that as well flowed my own responsblity it was i who was stupid and took him there it was i who trusted them with caring
for him part of that is my pain now. As i replay each day preceding his transplant i should have been there more but like
so many i kept thinking he would always be there always at my side the shock from not just him dying but seeing his death
not be pain free as my dreams had been no his death was painful and long the agnoy and dispair was real and never ending for
me. While some may say i am being dramatic were not in that room it was not just somebody who died that day It was my son.
I dont see a future for me in this world anymore theres nothign for me to do that would not be fueled by anger at those
who caused his death. Each day I live i lived for him each step i took i took with him life is so empty with out him here
while some will go on I can not. I pray for his soul each day to find peace i pray for those who caused his death that they
find peace and i pray I find a path back to him someday for thats truely all i want in this world all that will bring me peace
and my salvation. Will be to once again be at his side to grow with him may jesus grant me this peace.
36 days ago i had a son a beautiful fair haired son who filled my life with wonder and joy
36 days ago I had a son
Sunday oct 22 2006 4 weeks ago you left me
4 weeks ago i had a son 4 weeks ago I had a life 4 weeks ago my heart was broken 4 weeks ago i had son
4 weeks ago they let him die 4 weeks ago my nightmare began 4 weeks ago i had a son 4 weeks ago he left my side 4 weeks
ago 4 weeks ago
4 weeks ago the Sun Rose and set by his eyes 4 weeks ago his smile lit up the room 4 weeks ago I had a son 4 weeks ago
I had the dream 4 weeks ago that dream became a nightmare
4 weeks no one is here now
4 weeks they forgot you
4 weeks they go on
4 weeks I died when my son died
4 weeks my body lives on a mear shell
4 weeks life went on
4 weeks ago i had a son I had a beautiful wonderful son
4 weeks ago they took your life
4 weeks ago they took my life
how much longer till they see what they did 4 weeks ago
Oct 17 , 2006
When terran was listed for transplant in miami in 2004 i thought my god this place is so old so few nurses so not
what i was used to the many years terran was All childrens hospital in st pete with his prestine walls and wonderful
colorful walls terran felt comfortable safe and at home. But in the walls of miami terran felt scared but came
to know and trust that no matter what it would be ok becuase mommie was here to protect him. For 4 years we fought to get
the medical attention he needed luckly for us we had a great GI in st pete and a great team assembled in tampa so when the
transplant team said "we dont know" we were able to find doctors in tampa that did know. and when he needed a
second transplant i fought tooth and nail to prevent it I knew the numbers i thought i did but i thought i could protect him
and that all that mattered was that i would protect him. So we brushed off the oldness and years later the
many other problems we encountered with the staff and nurses the miss communcation the lack of equipment the lack of
staff lack of space did not seem to matter i was intellegent i knew how to learn all i could to save terran.
We never doubted they could do terrans transplant what we did worry about was when he was on the floor not the icu there even
though terran hated the icu he was ok there but once on the floor i worried. This was terrans expeience you
can belive it or not you can ask if it was so bad why did you allow transplant in this place. Truth be told I had no
choice i feared for terran i was being told his life was limited if i did not do this while we were lucky than most parents
we did have the choice to take terran else where we were also told by this same center that it would take time and we
were being told terran did not have anytime left. So i allowed it knowing in my heart i could save him despite
them I never in my wildest dreams considered at the moment of his death all the components we hated would cause
his death. Even me his protector his mothers who screamed and yelled to get the care he needed who scoured the earth
to find others who would help him failed him in the end. I am not a doctor I am not a nurse and when it came down
to him needed them they failed all the lack of equipment the lack of staff even the lack of available blood caused
terrans death. while I always tought above all i could save him in the end it was only after i got his death certificate
would i really understand how much I did not know how truly unprepared we truly were. But that was not my job my job
was to be his parent to care and nurture him and find doctors who could help him. In the end they did not do their job
this is not about money or lawsuits this is about centers doing transplants and not being able to care for those same children
due to lacking funds to care for these fragile children. These centers hid behind HIPPA or other privacy laws to hide
numbers of and reasons these children die at their hands so you tell me whose to blame for terrans death who because i know
in my heart who is to blame while i cant prove it i was there my husband and I were both there when terran died that night
and we both know who is responsible for his death. It was not his disease it was not due to his transplant but they
know why or are they even lying to themselfs I dont care anymore all i care about is them fixing the mistakes they make fixing
the old equipment the staffing issues even residents who can at least speak and understand english so when i parent expresses
concern they can understand and not wait till its too late to act. Terrans life was saved by an organ donor but his
life was taken by the same ones who promised to help him.
Do they know what they did when they let my son slip from this world. Do they know that he was the best part of
me. Do they know. Do they care. I am a shell walking this earth breathing but not living do they care.
do they know that he was my world my life my breath do they care. each day i open my eyes i am filled with memories
of him do they know do they care. All things for a reason they say what reason was there in this childs death do they
know do they care. Doctors are entrusted with the care of our children nurses entrusted with the care of our children
their mistakes are our nightmares their neglect is our pain do they know do they care. All i see anymore is pain
and agony do they know do they care. Pain is what I see each day and each day i long for an end. do hey
know do they care.
Saturday Oct 22 2006
4 Weeks ago at this time I held him in my arms safe with his daddy and brother at his side safe in our little room far
from our home at last to lay near him to be with him all alone no medical equipment just us we were with him for three hours
alone playing video games or just watching a video making plans for the upcoming week tues he would get to eat again he was
so excited to get to eat he asked me Mommie did you get my soup terran hated the soup they had at the hospital he wanted to
be sure i had gone to the store and gotten him his favorite soup for tuesday of course i had as well as his popsicles and
his ever so sought for first soft meal he would get a few days after he tollerated liquids. He wanted his chicken nuggets
then for his first full meal pizza. we did not want to go back to the hospital we just wanted to sit there and be a family
but time did not stand still we had to go back. We took him back his daddy and him planned a video day terran wanted a new
toy so i traveled with cephas and a new mom we had met Karen's child was in transplant that day she all alone far from her
home. She asked terran his advice her child just a babe he told her "when she can wiggle her toes you will know she
needs you to hold her hand cause she can hear you but cant open her eyes'
hello visitors to terrans web site Dont worry i am here if your wondering whats going well its simple really
Saturday Oct 7
two weeks ago at this time I held him in my arms safe with his daddy and brother at his side safe in our little room far
from our home at last to lay near him to be with him all alone no medical equipment just us we were with him for three hours
alone playing video games or just watching a video making plans for the upcoming week tues he would get to eat again he was
so excited to get to eat he asked me Mommie did you get my soup terran hated the soup they had at the hospital he wanted to
be sure i had gone to the store and gotten him his favorite soup for tuesday of course i had as well as his popsicles and
his ever so sought for first soft meal he would get a few days after he tollerated liquids. He wanted his chicken nuggets
then for his first full meal pizza. we did not want to go back to the hospital we just wanted to sit there and be a family
but time did not stand still we had to go back. We took him back his daddy and him planned a video day terran wanted a new
toy so i traveled with cephas and a new mom we had met Karen's child was in transplant that day she all alone far from her
home. She asked terran his advice her child just a babe he told her "when she can wiggle her toes you will know she
needs you to hold her hand cause she can hear you but cant open her eyes'
We left after we took him back me to go shopping for him I got him his video game he had wanted he waited so long for a ps2
daddy had finally gotten off lay away terran was to get it the next day he was so excited to have this we got back to the
hospital about 2 hours later daddy left to go eat dinner i stayed with terran we snuggled and watched cartoons he missed them
as they did not have tv in the ICU we watched tv for a few hours till daddy came back terran had a great idea daddy spend
the night with him so they could watch videos mommie take the night off we stayed while i thought it over it was hard for
me to leave him on the floor i did not trust the night nurses on ptsu to care for him properly but he seemed ok and wanted
it so so about 12 am cephas and I went to transplant house before that we sat with terran joking and making funny noise terran
was so happy and content hardly pressing the button for his morphone I thought it ok to leave him i kissed him on his head
and tucked in him tight terran never could sleep with out a kiss and hug from mommie and of course a tuck in
When I left his eyes were already becoming droopy his daddy had drifted off as well in the bed next to terran so i kissed
him lightly on his head kissing daddy as well cephas and I left to sleep as well.
This is how i saw terran that
last time safe and sound in his bed all snug and warm mason in his arms his blanket and pillow comforting him
the
next time i saw terran his eyes were full of fright dennis had called me around 4 am he said "somethings not right' i rushed
to his side he seemed small and afraid as i held his hand things got insane a short time later everything that could go wrong
did every mistake that could be made was and terran was ripped from my arms at 6:55 am my world fell apart.
at 6:55
am my life ended with his last breath no one could console me i was unconsoleable i was insane as i rushed from his room to
do myself harm but cephas needed to know i rushed to transplant house his eyes full of sleep not comprehending my saddness.
We went back to terrans room no one was there anymore his room dark and sad he sat on his bed now clean and his blanket had
been placed on him i kissed his face begging for him to breath but no breath came i begged the nurses to take him home "no
they said thats not allowed" I begged to hold him one last time again they said thats not a good idea finaly he was placed
in my arms by his doctor finaly my heart felt came my world crumbled with the touch of his face as my eyes cried rivers of
tears for my son. People trickled in most just came in an left his doctors came back in I questioned them why why what happened
we just dont know was their reply we just dont know.
Two dear friends came by my side karen the mother terran gave
advice too her child was in the icu recovering from transplant surgery just a few hours ago she said to me She wiggled her
toes her eyes wet with tears as she touched my sons leg and gave me a hug tears flowed from my eyes then monica another mom
and dear friend came in next her eyes red from crying as she knelt by my side words escaped her. they took him from my arms
and i felt as if the world just melted away no longer a mother I said no longer his mother
Now as I sit here remembering
his last day his last hours his last breath my life feels as if its over. no longer is he at my side i am forced to continue
a life i hate. But last night for the first time since he died i felt him i dreamed of him in heaven tell me "dont worry mommie
it wont be much longer till your with me again" a new enegry surged over me this am as i stuggled to update his site for some
reason its as if he's guilding me to do what i have been all day fixing this or that on his site chosing this picture or that
picture for some reason worring over that one parent who just stumbled here and is worried this is her childs fate. With a
renewed enegry i will update each and every page till its just right each one will be full of him and his life each a renewed
insite in to this awsome childs life when its done I dont know what I will do his death has affected me so deeply i cant think
of a future wihtout him here. I know i must go on I read each and every card and letter that wonderful people send me i read
each entry in to his guestbook filling me with love and strength but with out this awsome child god entrusted me with life
does not seem worth living much even though i know i must.
they say writing is therpy so over the next few days
and weeks you will notice new addtions to terrans web site a book if you please called terrans journey a journey of inspiration
and joy a celebration of a beautiful childs life in writing this book i hope to share how unique and wonderful terrans life
really was
so bear with me when you see the naviagation links are messsed up just know i am hard at work and it wll
get fixed shortly soon you will see a new site that will be a credit to my son
so for now sleep angel while mommie
fills her time with memories of you the tears will flow as i remember those wonderful early years the chills the thrills that
was your life now snuggle down my love and listen as mommie tells your story soon my angel we will be together
soo
sleep now my child mommie will be here soon to be at your side never far
Daily updates can be found
under Letters to terran
| Need help want to learn more |
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| Click link to join other parents who need help |
|
| CLick on ribbon to go to Guardian Society |
click here to play music on site
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| Terran and Cephas in front of the donor memorial at JMH |
| HAPPY 2ND TRANSPLAN T ANNIVSERY |
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| SEPT 11, 2004 |
| MY BOY TERRAN |
|
| 2003 |
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| terran and Dr Reinstein Xmas 2003 |
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