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Jan 1
At his birth I was a mere mom a good one yes but a mom nothing special. I had 5 children and one grandchild they day he
graced my life being the 6 th child I was an expert at being a mother. Or so I thought Terran was born with a rare disease
called "Hirschsprung's disease" but he like his whole life never followed the text book he life was complicated
by many things and with each complication I was forced to learn more and more just to keep him at my side. When he was 1 I
started a support group for other mommies like me who were so alone with this disease and helpless to get anyone to listen
to me. It was a great success and I thought well this was why terran was born so unique so I would do this I kept thinking
if I do this god will give me more time with him.
When he was 5 almost 6 he was very sick and had to under go a multi organ transplant I was so scared but kept trying to
keep him always trying to fill his life with special things to make up for all the bad things he had to endure. I sat by his
side for ten years doctors hospitals all the time searching for the right doctor who would cure him from LA to New York I
took him here and there always trying to find the right one but in the end I failed him and he died Sept 24, 2006 his death
was very violent and very sudden I thought I was intelligent and could stop and make them make him better but in the end every
night mare I had came true.
My life before my son was mundane and ordinary nothing special but he made me special he made me who I became because
of him I learned so much but because of who he was we spent countless hours days and weeks alone in hospitals our family growing
around us as the girls grew up and had families of their own there was always me gone with terran I had to be by his side
I was his mom so like I said every one grew around us making life's for themselves as it should be mind you I was not upset
at this they did visit us and some holidays we were a family but mainly it was just terran and I alone we forged our life's
together so much so that now that he is gone that I am surrounded by them now I cant fit I cant go on anymore I am trapped
in a huge void of sadness and pain. I see the path god has set out for me to speak out but have no strength to continue my
life now is full of nightmares and dreams of a life we used to have. Some one said if you could have him back would you knowing
he would suffer god forgive me yes because at least I would not be alone anymore. Some describe me as the most awesome mom
who fought for years to find help for her son but I am not I was a selfish mom who wanted no more then to be with him whose
fear was one day to be alone again to no longer be special because of him. And now that nightmare is my reality now its been
a month since he left me gone is the love and warmth I felt at his side and he at mine gone is the joy I felt each morning
at the site of his face at the joy of being able to do for him no one needs me now not really and while some say they do in
reality they don't they learned long ago to live with out me because of him. All I think all I pray for is an end to this
agony and end to this pain and longing. If there is a god and I know there is why does he let me suffer why does he not let
me come home to be back at terran's side where I should be I miss him so much each night filled with dreams of trying to save
him and in the end when the mornings light fills my room and I am back in my pain filled body I weep. They say it never gets
better losing one of these wonderful special children that with time you learn to deal with the pain and longing but you are
forever alone. I cant stand the pain of being alone much longer I dream each day of the day when I will not open my eyes on
earth but open them in heaven I need the peace and serenity promised by heaven.
My names Kim my sons name is Terran Robinstein he was 10 years 1 month and 10 days old he was my life he was my joy he
was my love if a child can be a soul mate terran was mine each day I spent with him was wonderful and special each day I spend
on this earth without me is days of joyless painful thoughts of the day he died with it the longing of where is my son is
my son ok always searching to be back at his side
Dec 31 2006
Days like this filled with family and love daddy took cephas and sasha to a bucs game but i could not bear to go knowing
how much terran would have loved to go in stead i stayed by terran while cassy and adam and the kids came down taking us to
dinner the empty place at the table such a site how terran loved go to go out to dinner oh baby you never eat much i know
but you did love to go out to golden corral the empty place that should have been yours filled with a filled plate helped
ease our pain the waitress kept wanting to take it away not asking us to explain why it existed
death so final so horrible can you tell by my face how your death overshadows my heart when i can bearly contain my tears
in line at the store faces stare do they know is it that apparent i often wonder why i am still here what purpose do i serve
anymore now that i can no longer do what i have done for so many years taking care of my children was my life its so strange
to be here i expect him to come running out of that room i look over my shoulder no one nearby. alone all the time i am alone
it hurts so much to be alone to let my mind ramble on sometimes baby the anger bubbles up so hard in my heart and soul i have
to stop myself from what every my revenge would reel on those who killed you. I know it seems that no matter what i do i cant
get past what happened. What happens at death baby can you tell mommmie is there a heaven or is it my imagination that tells
me you are near, is that why i am still here will my sacrafice be done. I hate this night and all nights each week your life
seems to fade in the distance as does mine. Maybe someday i will understand why god gave me you taught me so much to take
care of you then took you from me why did he not cure you intead of taking you to heaven what did i do so wrong that he would
rip you from my arms please tell me i need to know or is every thing i am told in this world a lie and upon death there will
be no you waiting for me to fly away in the sky free to be free what existance is there beyond the veil we call death what
happens what is the soul or do we just work our butts off just do fade to dust or ashes upon death. and illude ourselfs to
make our selfs feel better when we lose someone like you baby are you near or is it my pain that hears your cries faith they
say its all about faith but when the last breath is drawn who will be near or will i too just simply fade to dust are we destined
to be pawns in gods playgound just to have fun with those frail humans
dec 30 2006 13 weeks since
its been 3 months since terran died and I still cant believe my life has changed so dramatically so much so its harder
and harder each day I know what you mean I have gotten two sides to me now one that when I am alone I cry and cry think of
him all the time but when my husband or son is around I have a false face I put on I have to my sadness is affecting them
so much so I fear for them as I fear for myself each day I sit longer and longer at his grave I worry about him all the time
being alone so much is hard I have not been alone for years he was always at my side my anger is fueled at those who took
his life I obsess at revenge on them but am powerless to do much but what I have done so far but still I try I keep thinking
every one would be better off if I was not here anymore I miss my son more and more each day I cant seem to do anything right
and only spread more and more sadness each day every thing i touch seems to go wrong and its not gotten any easier each Saturday
night is torture since he died on Saturday night and all day Sunday i grieve as if it were the first Sunday i used to love
the sabbath now i loath it not a day of rest for me I spend it at his side alone no one wants to come here anymore so what
good am i to anyone in this world when all i can do each day is miss him and think of him and cry.
will my life ever get better will i ever begin the day with out tears will i ever end the day with out his name on my
lips
last night i had a dream a long long white tunnel carried me away in to sleep all at once the tunnel was filled with the
most amazing light so bright but it did not hurt my eyes my soul was at last in peace such music filled my ears smells filled
my senses like none i ever knew before i felt so rested and peaceful as i floated along not feeling heavy anymore just floating
along enjoying all i could see and feel then the tunnel ended and i was on my feet a bridge going somehere i did not know
where but feeling drawn to it i began to go forward not by my will i walked over the bridge to the most amazing garden i have
ever seen so peace full so wonderful cool i looked around wondering where i was now i kept walking hearing the birds singing
and feeling so peaceful and calm i came to a building huge but not huge i could see windows as far as i could see millions
of windows and all at once i looked down and you were there oh my god how excited i became when i dropped to my knees and
took you in to my arms at last i knew i was home at last my baby and i were together my heart leeped for joy my soul full.
OH baby at last you were back in my arms oh baby what a feeling the emptyness gone at once all at once baby all the pain and
anguish gone
dec 29 2006
how to start somedays i cant seem to start to get going oh my baby how mommie misses you last year taking your christmas
shopping after christmas all the things you wanted for xmas and we could not afford but i did get some of them after xmas
oh i remember so well how wonderful you looked in your new jeans how you loved the new bikes the new skates you worked so
hard to learn how to healy what a face you had the day we got them for you and how good you got at them how hard you worked
then all of that for nothing all of that just os a few months later they would take your life and with it mine, somedays i
am so consumed with anger at them for all they have done to us and how much i miss you i see the children your age and wonder
what you would be doing at this moment or that moment last night i calmed my heart by thinking of watching you watch tv sitting
by you laying next to you i remember your face when we were in all childrens how excited you got when i would go on break
and come back that big grin on your face when you loved to call for food at any how and like magic elves htey bring you what
every your heart desired what a king it made you feel we would share things hoggies that was your favorite at all childrens
hoggies and chicken nuggets oh you never ate much but you loved calling for them and that face so proud when i came in and
saw how much you loved sharing with me we woudl drink hot cocoa every night most of the time yours was only half done to this
day i still cant sleep wiht out drinking a cup its just not the same even food does not taste the same and every time i think
i may be able to fill time with somthing you sneak back in to my heart and remind me theres something missing in my life that
no matter what i do where I go theres something someone missing god how I miss those days sad to some but to us when the day
ended and all was done and you and I alone in the dark watching movies while your eyes filled with sleep and i slipped by
to my chair god how i miss those times how peaceful and calm
today we watched willy wonka i remembered how much you loved that darn movie we watched it so much i can tell the movie
word for word so could you oh baby how am i to go on in this life with out you I am only half alive and half dead my poor
babies how this hurts them to see mommie hurting much i try not to cry in front of them anymore it hurts too much cephas tries
so hard to be good so not to cause me any pain he tries so hard baby his misses you so much its like the world stopped when
you died at least our world baby our world you would a vital link to the world though your struggles we were strong now we
are weak and falling apart
i know you were at my side last night i felt you there i felt you next to me i felt your weight on the blanket next to
me i could smell you was it my imagination was a dream
oh baby mommie loves you
dec 28, 2006
why am i still here when my days are filled with tears i know there are those out there that are tired of hearing my tears
and wonder will she ever get out of this will she ever find peace will she ever learn to live with out terran at her side
today at your side I screamed at god to bring you back to me i threatened and beat my chest begging for him to take me to
you to let me see you to bring you back to me i am so angry i feel so responsible for your death as well as those who killed
you as it was me who did not listen to my heart when i knew i should not let them touch you but i feared i would lose you
god how can one live like this who is god to give me such a wonderful child only to take him cruely after 10 years never giving
me the blessing of you being well why did he have to let you die why did he not cure you and leave you with me i want you
so badly if i could take back time i woudl apack you up in our car and we would drive to god knows where they cant hurt you
and we would start over baby we would start over you would be well normal eat normly damn me why did I not listen to my heart
it was screaming to me not to let them touch you i have cried for two days straight i cant seem to stop anymore i cant seem
to get going anymore i want you so much i miss you so much if only i could take back time if only i could breath life back
in to your lifeless body if only i listened to my heart would you have died anyway would you have left me anyway and how much
longer can i continue in this world with out you
dec 27 2006 8:40 pm
Days long and hard somedays harder then others seems all i feel lately is regret and sorrow i keep trying to go on with
my life but find is to hard baby so hard when so few want me around and no purpose can be found i keep trying to find a job
but only to be rebuked seems there are few out there that want a mommie who can change an osotmy bag in the middle of the
night in the dark or can change a gtube in a flash or untangle the most wiry of tubes and wires all while missing tpn or feeds
and still find time to kiss her son and tuck him in each and every night of his life no my life is meaningless no one seems
to need me nor want what i can do too old for school and not really have the strength anyhow went on a job interview for a
lousy 5.50 an hour picking up packages paying my own gas paying my own insurance and still they want three job references
what a world we live in when mommies like me are not wanted by anyone that all my sacrifices am i destined to work at mc donalds
or duncan donuts i cant seem to understand why i learned all i did taking care of you just to throw it all away i have thought
of going back to school but we cant afford it i had a hard time anyhow last time i doubt i could do it again so what am i
to do baby. I saw dr reinstein this after noon and jessica and all his staff it felt so good to be in his office i looked
at the chairs you sat in the toys you played with such comfort i felt in that room when he and jessica hugged me firmly i
knew they truely cared not just for you but for me as well but even they cant understand why its so hard for me to go on with
life with out you by my side why I seem to be doing so terrible dr reinstein is right i do need to pull my self up as he said
but i cant seem to find what to do with myself i spent most of the day in tears i cried on the way to st petersburg i cried
all the way back only stopping when i was at last back at your side why is that i only feel good when i am at your grave why
cant i feel anything good i try so hard each day to get through the day i write and write only to read the same things each
day how am i to go one who am I to become i miss you so much baby i miss you every second i cant even watch the same tv shows
i used to all of them seem so stupid now some bring me to tears my favorite movies was on tonight i saw it when you were little
and it changed how i took care of you it was called first do no harm when i saw it the first time it changed how i let doctors
push me in to doign things i found i too could find others who would help you not hurt you but now that your not here anymore
the movie only made me sadder adn think why if god can take life why cant god give me you back why did he not cure you why
was his cure taking you home and in such a way that hurt me so much i cant make sense out of your death not just in that you
died but how you died the violant way you died haunts me and saddens me nightmares fill my toughts most of the day i cant
seem to empty my head of the sights and sounds of the day you died the smell fill my senses and tears out my heart like some
day somedays you go form hour to hour but other days its getting minute by minute that was this day baby i could barely keep
the damn car on the road i hurt so bad my eyes stinging from the tears that no matter what i did today kept flowing so hard
i could hardly see the road.
do they know what they did when they killed you baby did they know that in killing you they killed me and now by trying
to cover up your death and make excuses for themselfs its like rubbing salt in the wounds of my heart for that i can never
forgive them may god forgive them for they know not what they have done. My god forgive me for not taking better care of you
baby i am so sorry i did not fight harder for you but god forgive me for hating those who killed you i dont care what happens
to me anymore my life ended with your last breath but until my last breath i will make them pay for killing you baby they
will pay i promise you that baby i promise they will not get away with killing you or any of the other angels they have caused
to die they know who they are in their hearts they know what they have done and they can lie and cheat here on the earth but
someday they too will have to stand before god and you cant lie to god he's not stupid. Because as long as i live I will fight
their lies about your death baby i will fight to let every one who will listen tell your story and tell of the other children
who too have died at thier hands while they cover things up with the few successful children they have the death is overwelming
and wont be forgotten
my god forgive them
MOmmie loves you baby and will see you soon
dec 27 2006
how can i go on i miss you so much baby i think of you all day long as i remember you as a baby i cry and cry i wish so
much to go back god if only i could go back and do things different would you have died would my life be so terrible now i
cant stand this pain this emptyness its so overwelming on days like this I pray for death i long for you so much baby how
could i let them kill you why did i not listen to my gut telling me what they were doing was wrong why did I not pick you
up and run with you home even if i would have lost you then at least you would not have died as you did as horribly as you
did I cant go on like this day in day out missing you not knowing what to do not knowing where to turn. Each day knowing no
one cares what happens to me i mean nothing to anyone i am so alone and it hurts so much the memories of you so fresh in my
mind each day waking up doing these damn mundaine things going about what life damn i hate this so much i sit here and write
till my fingers bleed but nothing stops the pain in my heart nothing makes me feel better everyone says i feel sorry for myself
and say i need to snap out of this but that would mean losing you all over again if i move i lose your room can i stand that
i dont know where to turn do i go get help will their magic pills dispell the memories and nightmares of you and our life.
GOd please help me help me understand why the hell i am still here why i must continue why must i when my strenght is gone
all i do now is spread pain and grief god why did i let them kill you why did i not fight harder for you baby you deserved
better then me as a mother i am so sorry i failed you baby i am so sorry
nothing can bring you babk not keeping your room just so not visting your grave each day and bringing your favorite food
not watching your movies not anything nothing can bring you back to my arms nothing except my death only then will i feel
peace i cant do this anymore i have to find peace the pain is too hard to bear i pray to go crazy at least in insanity there
will be you
they say i am strong i am resourceful but i am weak with out you at least when you were next to me i had the strenght
to fight to stay in this world i now hate beyound reason i find no good in this world my life worthless and meaningless. No
one wants to be near me only those who would seek to use me for their own gain but for me to find someone who will need me
just for me who will give me as much as i give them is impossible becuase i had that when I had you and in letting them kill
you baby i killed myself how can i forgive them for killing you for using you for their own selfsish gain how can I forgive
myself for taking you there not for listening to my gut feeling warning me to take you away from them not to allow them to
touch you anymore i knew in my heart they were bad but never thought they would hurt you god how wrong was i to take you there
why did i. how could i bet so stupid to trust them that they would save you when they never cared
dec 26, 2006
at times i wonder how i do this day in day out the pain some times so unbearable i cant breath not just the emotional
pain but the physcial pain as well every moment of the day i seem to think of you and think of those who hurt you glad in
the fact they can no longer hurt you but they still hurt me daily i long for the peace you have baby i long for the day when
i no longer feel such immense pain that i can bearly breath most days today was so hard baby so cold and rainy all day the
time i was with you was the only time it did not rain on me but still my heart yearned for the peace i seek the day when it
is said of me "shes free" free to fly free to do as she loves to be by her baby day in day out no one can tear them
apart again" free I work so hard to fill my days but most days are empty filled with so many memories of you oh my memories
some good some bad i breath for the good ones nights filled with nightmares still few filled with good memories of you and
what we will be one day when no one can hurt me anymore no one can force me from your side now they cant hurt me by using
you but they can hurt me by the lies they tell maybe they believe their lies but some day baby someday they will know the
pain they spread they will know the pain of my broken heart of mine and others. I feel so sad for those who have stood by
me attempting to help me want to be a part of this world I love how they try but am helpless to understand why they want me
to stay when all i spread now is saddness and sorrow.
The peace i felt today when praying by your side my mind at peace with the thought of someday no one can hurt me anymore
and the thought that maybe that day will be soon until then baby your in my thoughts in my prayers in my soul.
Look close its terran
the small red streaks i believe are
Terran and Michael
dec 25 2006 terrans gift to me
oh baby one of the saddest days of my wretched life was made better today by you now i know there will be those who wont
belive me but its all true and you know it for today you proved to me that you are near me and are by my side even in death
you touched me
taking pictures of your grave to send your friends suddenly one picture clearly shows your face a reflection but it was
you i quickly sent it to daddy and all who would look at it on my cell phone clearly your face where no face should be only
your angel should be shown now i know it was only for me
thank you my love for mommies present even from heaven you show you love me still
mommie loves you baby
Dec 24, 2006 3 months, 12 weeks 90 days since you flew to heaven
young, old, rich, poor, grandmothers, grandfathers, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, niece's and nephews, all come
to this place of peace seeking wondering remembering some take the time to stop by and glance my way some take time and talk
and learn of you in turn I learn of their beloved some the grief shadows thier face some the grief so recent so harsh causes
them to sit alone next to their loved ones as i sit by your side in death as in life we share each other with the world.
My heart broken the void you left in my soul can never be filled left in this world alone and searching i reach out to others
to fill the need only to be rebuked by the world but in this place we are all the same touched by death we are weakened and
meek normalcy escapes us as we touch each other. A place of peace a place of tranquility the only place i can find in this
world where my heart skips a beat my mind quiets my soul at peace its when i am torn from this spot my heart quivers my head
spins as i must endure this world with out you in it.
Sleep my baby sleep tonight for tommorrow you will have a christmas like no other for you will have every wish fulfilled
by christ himself a party like no other like none i could give you sleep my love sleep and dream of me as I will dream of
you and dream of the day when this place will be my place of peace as at long last I too will lie at your feet never to be
torn from my arms again I too will join the celebration of this day and celebration of the day god sent his son to this world
to save us so we too could join the heavenly party so we too could be saved. Until then my darling my love enjoy all that
heaven has to offer know in my heart i share it with you even if its only in my heart. mommie loves you baby
Dec 23 tommorrow you will have left me 90 days ago 3 months 12 weeks
and my first xmas with out you oh darling how can i do this my heart for the last few days hurt so much i ahve cried rivers
begged the highest high just to let this day not come just to let me come home i dread the morning no you in sight no merry
christmas mommie no early morning wake up full of excitement you couldnt wait to get ahold of those packages dr r and maybe
nicky at our sides oh my god terran i cant do this much longer today the world now knows how you died finaly in the paper
they know our friend camille was so sweet to let others know of your plight even now she calls mommie i pray all i am doing
is what you want me to do what my destiny is and how soon i too will be home again. Did not see you today heart to heavy soul
longs for my baby i try to go about my life but my life was your life the empty chair at the table the empty room the empty
side in the car. no fighting in the car no begging for toys no begging no screaming oh how i miss those fights you and cephas
had in the car. I want to run far far away so this day will never come so i wont have to wake up ever again never to see that
empty chair or the empty stocking hung wiht great care is anyone else thinking of you tonight my baby is anyone else in the
world crying for you tonight baby
Dec 21, 2006
dearest baby boy mommie got quite a suprise today i went on two job interviews what a mess and when mommie was at her
lowest today a call came in and baby you know who it was dont you joshy now i know you and terran and the other babies are
together i finaly heard from joshy's mommie called me today and we spent the afternoon talking crying and remembering the
good times when we were all together in miami like me she too is angry at joshy's death her heart too is broken god when will
they learn how much they hurt when they hurt these babies how much pain is spread when one of these innocent children are
harmed for the name of science she and I felt so much better she kissed you she did not feel it funny i take you every where
with me she did not laugh at me when she heard how i cry every day and visit you every day she like me has a special place
in her house just for joshy it felt so good to know i am not crazy there are too many of us to feel that way too many of us
know the pain of losing you presious angels and mommie has a dear friend who is helping her spread the word about miami and
the pain they caused not only our family but so many more. oh baby mommie loves you so much i may have a job soon but i promis
no matter what mommie will still bring your nuggets every day i know how you babies love it when i do i know its you who takes
them in my heart baby i know
Dec 19 2006
hello darling mommie is having such a hard time lately baby hard to get up in the morning hard to get dressed cant be
near you right now no way to get here since my car broke down and i cant afford to fix it i get so tired of being taken advantage
of i am so tired of evil people who seem to take great stock in hurting me and causing me greater pain than i feel in the
first place. But tommorrow is a new day i pray i dont see the sunrise but each day i do and each day its harder and harder
to stay here in this world so filled with heartache so filled with pain in this time of joy mommie hurts so much remember
how much mommie used to love xmas i just lived to see your face on that morning while what joy i had each xmas morning i get
so excited hard for me to wait for you to wake and most mornings i didnt dr reinstein there more xmas mornings than you were
home but those wonderful nurses at all childrens sure made the holidays better for all of us who were there god i miss them
all i miss all the kindness they showed you what a charachter you were you had your own ways feeling so at home in all childrens
you were at home it felt to you they made it feel that way we got to know them so well strangers who knew the true meaning
of xmas those nurses last year i will never forget how they spoiled you the week before xmas and how excited you were the
night before as we snuggled with daddy and cephas and watched the santa claus and santa claus the movie how i loved them now
this xmas i cant bear watching those movies or any movie anymore i have not watched movies since you left me baby still cant
eat much cant sleep much and each day the tears flow faster and longer then the day before how am i to continue living like
this the only thing i do is go to your grave when home i search for ways to make those who caused your death to pay i am obsessed
i know and i know i should not go to your grave each day nor should i leave your room just so but baby how can i do what i
need to do when your not here you were my strenght with out you i feel so useless so alone and each day it gets worst and
worst maybe tommorrow i will be able to get my car fixed be by myside baby so i dont strangle that damn car dealer who ripped
me off if he does not give me back some of my money i cant get my car fixed and cant come to see you like i want but baby
know i want to know i miss you know i love you with all my heart and someday we will be together
Dec 18, 2006
SOrry baby mommie had a bad few days so much going on its hard to take in hard to breathe somedays. Somedays are harder
then others when i wake in the am i cry i cry over not having you in your room so quiet here in this house and mommie seems
to have a target on her head saying "grieving mom here take adavantage" so sick of them doing this to me it was
different when you were here to fight for now i cant seem to fight like i used to
mommie put up decorations on the yard but not xmas decorations mommie made a garden of angels with you as hte head guardian
angel baby i hope your ok in heaven mommie missses you so much i hope your ok i have to know your ok so many babies are there
with you its hard to understand why those who hurt you will continue and my life is so messed up wiht out you here.
ok honey mommie loves you and always will your in my heart my head my soul every second of the day i think of you i see
you in the clouds as you and the others race by on your bikes oh baby mommie longs so much just to hold you it will be the
best day every when i finally come home and we are together again
dec 16 saturday night again
To all here is a special poem I wrote tonight I was thinking of all the times I was frustrated with terran frustrated
with his doctors frustrated with all I had to deal with the endless nights in hospitals the doctors the absences of friends
the tears I shed for my beloved terran and now I look back and I think I would give anything just to have to yell at terran
for messing his pants for having to get up for the umpteenth time to fix that darn feeding pump or to comfort him after a
terrible dream to feel his warmth beside me I would give my last breath so next time you feel at your wits end dealing with
doctors nurses or even your spouse or your child think in an instant you could be in my shoes I pray you never are. Now take
a deep breath hug and kiss that special child over and over again and thank god he gave you the pleasure of having such a
wonderful child as your child is
much love this Xmas season
Kim
http://terranstransplant.com
No end in sight
head on her knees tears roll down her face
the days long with no end in sight
the chairs she has sat the beds they shared the floors she's paced
tubes wires endless frustrations
tall short young and old enter their room white coats flapping in flight
no end in sight
tears stroll down their cheeks as they hug each other gathering strength from the warmth they share. words she does not
want to hear come from the mouths of the white coats from strangers from friends. tears shed in this room and others tears
for her special child tears for her broken heart
no end in sight
then in an instant all is changed no more warmth to gather strength replaced with coldness and sadness. White coats now
black as they take the frustrations from her sight she longs for the warmth. Words exchanged sadness shared
she longs for the chairs the bed they shared the floors she paced the tubes and wires the endless frustrations tears again
roll down her cheeks but no warmth comforts her no joy fills her heart only sadness and darkness. For her child is no longer
here in an instant the end is in her sight.
human contact bitter sweet how I longed for it but did nto know it pefering to be alone if for a moment we humans looked
past our pain and reached out to each ohter what a difference that would make
if for a moment to sit and talk to type and talk what every oh my love how i long for the peace you have how self sacraficing
is your life you are alive i knwo it i feel that you are alive i long to be near you to feel your breath on my cheek to feel
you beside me alone all the time i long for what i had when you were here in my arms thankful that everyone had gone from
my side prefering to be alone in my pain and grief feeling by being alone i did not have to share my pain but those dedicated
few were out there waiting in the wings to share my pain to help me in my grief if for a moment they reached out to take a
bit of mine away what power we humans have to reach out to one another to make things better if only a listening ear to tearful
eyes but what a profound effect that can have on one like me
oh terran your life now is so perfect i wish i was able to give that to you when you were here in my arms know my darling
how much mommie loves you with all her heart and soul
maybe thanks to this human contact there is hope for me ?
Thursday dec 14, 2006
oh baby i feel so bad for those who read these words for those who share my pain the pain of losing someone like you is
enormous it overshdows all i am. I wish so much to feel better to get past this grief but i cant each day i wake up i dont
see your face i dont hear your voice i dont see you i cant be with you instead i wake alone get up clean my house and go about
an empty day thoughts of you fill my head all day long as i stuggle just to take in air. to find where to go what to do to
fill the minutes that becomes hours and drags in to days. I am sorry that I make others sad and they withdrawl from me making
me feel more alone and more sad since no one seems to care anymore that i still exist but now only half a person.
Wedesday dec 13 megan's 21st birthday
Lost is how i feel so lost and so empty too sad to write last night baby drifting all day long now that those who hurt
you will not be allowed to continue where do i go from here what is left for me to finish i am told that i am here for a reason
what reason baby what purpose what direction to follow the trail of tears is miles long with no end in site each time i reach
out i find emptyness. I miss you so much baby each day my soul cries out to god to end my pain as the pain in my heart grows
with each breath i am forced to take in each day my eyes open to see sunlight i darken my room and snuggle father in to my
bed hoping that death will come today that maybe just maybe this will be my last day on here alone today it took all the strenght
i had to listen to your voice and attempt to go on but I was weak and even when I reached out i failed no one wants me anymore
no one needs me i feel so useless all am wanted for is what they can use me for not for who i am its so hard to explain but
i feel like a carpet just for people to rub their feet on and use to what ever they feel they need today you never did that
to me you never used me you gave me as much as I gave you why cant they?. I want so much to try to live as I know in my heart
how presious life is how hard you fought for it how you loved it but now with out you to share it with nothing seems the same
nothing seems worth it no joy in my heart xmas coming news on the tv show murder and pain no joy each day we grow more and
more cold hearted towards each other oh how sad a people we have become so few kind people left the evil ones rise while we
who are good well so few dont make headlines most goodness done to me is done in secret i am forever grateful to the few who
have reached out to me and attempted to help not only terran but me as well i miss those the most i miss our friends i miss
so much that now that you are not here anymore those dear friends are no longer have time for me. So I am alone always alone
I eat alone I sit by your side alone I dream alone Why continue a life that is so useless so empty heaven sounds so wonderful
so safe and so warm life what life
I miss you baby if tears could build a bridge to heaven you would be in my arms again. Prayfuly soon mommie will find
peace maybe it will come in the form of a sense of purpose or maybe it will come because mommies arms will once again be filled
with her boys and at last her heart and soul will be healed.
Monday Dec 11, 2006
Each day i am amazed baby that i get up rise and go about my day empty when days used to be filled with things doing for
you or your sisters and brother. Some days are harder yesterday a nightmare today not so bad I saw our friend the senator
who promised to help mommie where he could then mommie heard from others who have been helping us mommies help each other
and help the children in miami be protected from pain and death today my love mommie heard the best news that indeed the goverment
will be doing something about them oh baby why did mommie not fight harder for you fight them to change things before they
took your life and with that ended mine. I feel like a mommie bear backed in to a corner fighting to keep her baby with everything
mommie is trying baby the last few days have been tough baby its hard for mommie to accept that your not in your room i know
your not but i keep praying this nightmare end i just cant belive i am here all alone you keep giving me signs that you are
near me and are helping me help the other children i know i need to make sense of your death not just that you died but how
you died and who let you die i need to make sense of your death and i know god had his reasons he could have taken you home
may times but he didnt he used you to show those in power all the problems in miami oh baby i miss you so much i need you
so much in my life I am so empty with out you so jealous of anyone who still has their children it hurts so much when i see
someone not taking good care of their special children miss jennefer is going to help mommie find a job maybe working with
other parents who have lost their babies oh baby i dont know what to do with myself everyone says i have this big heart and
all this strength and knowledge but i cant find a sense of purpose to some it seems so clear what i need to do but all i can
see is how much i miss you this dark cloud of grief shadows everything and i cant seem to lift it i know i need to find help
but i am so scared to reach out and find help knowing if i do then maybe I will be forced to live with out my belvoed terran
and to me thats the day i will have to accept that you are no longer at myside that my darling will be the saddest day of
my life to accept that you are truely gone till then i live in a sort of fog praying god will take me home before that sad
day comes. Oh darling i feel so much of you all around me but babies i long to much to hold you i am told i have no choice
that i must accept and life on that you guys would want me to continue but its too hard most days
mommie loves you boys so much mommie misses you so much and long for the day when i open my eyes to heavens light
Sunday dec 10, 2006 11 weeks since you left me
tonight was the Compassionate friends worldwide candle light event we lit candles for you and mikey and today i went to
a psychic who told me not only are you by my side but mikey is too oh baby i know that should make me feel better but i long
to feel you close to me to be near you to feel you in my arms mommie and daddy are not doing so good either baby looks like
we may not be together much longer sorry baby we tried but we both miss you so much and in our grief we seem to lose each
other why baby did you know we loved you so we loved you so much and now that you are not here there is nothing left oh baby
she told me that you were not in pain and that grandma was there to meet you that ment so much to me she also told me it was
you and mikey who were playing with the toys and were next to me at that moment playing like typical boys oh my heart needs
to know thats true tommorrow baby mommie has to see the senator i am trying to do as my heart feels it must do to make things
better for all the children i feel thats my path but its a long hard path baby mommie cant do it alone so pray baby talk to
the hearts of all the babies help me make him see and help us help all the children and pray for mommie and daddy too baby
i love you baby i love you more and more each day and cant wait for the day when we are together again
saturday dec 9th 2006
Dear terran hellos my darling what a ride we had today all the way to orlando to say goodbye to isaac his mom was so sad
other moms who had lost their babies were there too on the way home mommie was so sad i hate being alone just to let my mind
wonder as i raced along the empty highway i kept thinking in a second life is over just a second and every thing changes you
go from a life of happiness to one of total saddness it would be so easy just to let go and be free no more sad days no more
emptyness no more tears no xmas no birthdays nothing just sweet eternal darkness the only light being the light in your eyes
as they see me walking down that tunnel again to be in your arms to see us running to each other glad to be free together
at last oh my arms would be so happy as i scooped you up high in the sky and praised god on high for my heart would again
be glad free again free again
death is easy life is hard give me a reason to go on.
Friday dec 8th 2006
whats wrong with me terran why cant i seem to get going anymore i get up and move in the world no direction nothing seems
right i look at your door to your room I open it praying to see you but each time i know your not there i search and search
for you each little step i take takes every ounze of strength i have. I miss you so much each day it grows and i feel father
and father from you the memories are so fresh your face your eyes you smell the feel of you laying beside me on those cold
nights how you made me feel so warm and i made you feel warm and safe the walks we too how you always were so slow i tell
you hurry up slow poke its like you knew and took everything so slow the night before you died you were so cranky we arguged
you were so mean to me and I yelled at you to stop being mean or I would leave did that make you feel bad is that why you
left me baby i am so sorry i had to be mean it eats at my heart so much that i yelled at you and made you sad oh god why did
i waste time your last day your last hours why did i. I always thought you would make it you were so strong now tommorrow
i have to go to another babys funeral i was thinking last time i did this you were with me and it was baby othello i remember
we drove up the day before you wanted to see miss jennefer we saw fire works it was 4th of july so quiet we made little beds
in her empty apartment and went to 7 eleven for dinner god i miss those times this time last year baby this was your weekend
1 year ago today you met your beloved power rangers i remember that this night you were so excited you could barely sleep
you had such a good day so wonderful memories i watched your video again today god i miss you baby i miss you so much what
am i to do with myself now that you are not here. No one wants me around anymore no one truely needs me as you did i look
for direction but find nothing i cant go back to what I was before you were in my life i have changed so much I loved taking
care of you you loved me so much I ache for you so badly now I hate my life so empty i hate going to your grave each day but
i cant not go i hate it but i need to go to be near you i know your body is only there but I cant explain it. Each day i am
drawn there oh baby i am so torn so lost i cant seem to find my way YOu would say oh mommie your so pretty you made me feel
so good baby now i cant stand to look at myself in the mirror I hate myself so much i hate how i look i hate how i sound I
have everything about myself when you were here sometimes when you were sick someone would call me for help and for some reason
i felt better when i helped them even though you were sick i could make others feel better and then you would get better it
made our lifes seem not so terrible Never did i think you would not be with me never did i even think you would join the children
in heaven no not my son I am a good mom I take good care of my child yes he was sick but damn it i did as god asked me I tried
and tried so why my son why did he take my son DAMN IT TERRAN WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME YOU PROMISED WE WOULD ALWAYS BE TOETHER
REMEMBER YOU PROMISED I STAYED BY YOUR SIDE I DID NOT LEAVE WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALONE DAMN
IT GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS PAIN WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THE BEST CHILD EVER AND THEN TAKE HIM FROM ME I DID EVERYTHING
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO BUT YOU TOOK HIM WHY I DONT SEE THE SENSE IN TAKING MY SON WHY MY SON AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME
HERE
I hate my life i hate sunrise i hate sunset i hate xmas i hate each day of my so called life I try and try to go on but
damn why do this why should I what purpose does this pain serve and how much longer do i have to endure this pain.
Thursday Dec 7th 2006
hard to breathe hard to sleep hard to eat hard to belive its been so long since you were so part of my life so part of
my existance hard to understand all that has happened i pinch myself to know its real to know your not here that instead of
your room i see you at a cold grave life so full of laughter now contains only quiet contiplation and saddness as i seek ways
to hear you again to see you again no one understands my pain no one except one that shares it. Alone all alone no one here
no one hears my cries except you my love no sense of purpose. LIfe empty and mundaine why continue so much why do what is
so hard when it would be so easy to just give up and go home. Why work so hard what do i have to do. I wish for death or insanity
both would bring a relief to this life I now lead no end in site no laughter or love. in death heaven in insanity a heaven
in itself. I learn i live i breathe but i dont want to theres no reason to continue no reason to go on no reason to hug, the
season for me is torture, beauty is pain i see no reason to go on. my reason my existance my life ended on sept 24th 2006.
Wedesday dec 6th 2006
Oh baby its ten oclock at night and still i cant sleep oh nights like this i would be sitting here watching tv and all
the sudden there you be "mommie lets snuggle or mommie tuck me in" oh how i miss those quiet moments just you and
me tucking you in oh baby not one night in ten years did I not tuck you in mommie tuck me in oh ok baby my your getting too
big to be tucked in I would say but i enjoyed it as much as you blankets to your chin i can see you now tuck me in ommie tuck
me in that smile when i got the blankets just right teddy under your chin last check of your pumps or what ever a kiss on
your check maybe a final mommie what if question or maybe we would snuggle down and you would ask me questions that only this
time of day would bring mommie wheres god mommie who is gods daddy mommie where did god come from mommie why am i always sick
and no one else in our family. oh baby the questions only mommie heard today mommie heard you while we were together mommie
prayed I heard you "mommie I can read" my heart fell to my chest as my tears began to flow at hearing your voice
"mommie MOmmie I can read" then as the tears stoped i felt you take my hand oh baby i know it was you i know it
was you then when i thought i would die I felt you hug me i felt you all through me then again i heard your voice when i felt
you leave me "i am hugging you mommie I am hugging you" I will never let you go as you kissed me i felt you leave
oh my baby i know it was you I know
I also got an email from the medium patrick mathews remember mommie was reading you his book and its how mommie knows
now how to listen for you how to talk to you better well my love his wife kathy told me that mr mathews will be calling mommie
on april 4th I am so excited oh baby to know i can speak to you to have some one care about not only you but to me too. Mommie
is trying so hard baby i hear you and can feel your presence all around us but baby mommie longs to feel your skin to hold
you in my arms again I try but each day as i open my eyes all is what i have done all your life get up and take a breath in
and deal with things as they come since god holds the cards to when we will be together again I am trying not to throw my
life away since life is so presious to god i pray i find the strenght to carry on the strenght to life a bit long but baby
its hard mommie misses you so much mommie cant wait to die mommie cant wait for the best day of her life will be the day when
we are together again forever thats mommies heaven baby to be with you
Tueday dec 5 2006 8:20 pm 5 years since Michael Went to heaven
We are so sad tonight but glad in a way today was michaels day a day to remember that special little one we called micky
oh terran you loved him so and missed him so much i remember last year at his memorial you were so hyper insisting we drink
pepsi in honor of micky and today we ate pizza and drank pepsi with not only in honor of micky but you as well oh dessy was
so cute carring you around calling terran jr Uncle terran inisting he goe every where evening making sure he had his little
jacket on what a site terran jr is bigger then her she even made sure terran jr had pizza and a piece for micky too. a terrible
day made speical by the acts of a sweet 4 year old innocent of the ways and pain of heaven in her eyes yes terran died and
went to heaven but as she says grammy tman is still here i play with him. And someday my love someday mommie and grammy will
hold you two again
live seems to go one regardless of if i want it to or not each day i wake up uncertain of what to do with myself now no
longer rushing to the cemetary to see terran but now kind of cleaning my house freshing terrans room laundry all the mundain
duties i took for granted before, then lunch calls and off i go to see terran to eat with terran oh the comfort of the quiet
cemetary i know people must think i am off my rocker driving around in a neon green betty booped vw i understand its quite
cute with your face on the back window telling the world of my ultimate power ranger boy sweet little boys who too share your
love of the rangers sometimes stop me and exclaim "was your son really a ranger" and with a tear in my eye "yes
my son was the ultimate ranger" In your seat by my side you ride its almost sometimes i pretend its not terran jr but
you just sleeping so quiet it gives me comfort as i go about my day looking for ways to see and hear you not just in my heart
but wiht my real ears to speak to you though out the day i know people think i am nuts to talk to you as i do but when you
do it for so long its hard to stop I miss you so much i miss your sweet jokes your smile you quirky way of messing with dessy
oh baby she misses you so much she talks to you too all the time i wonder does she see you she insists she does oh to be young
and innocent
mommie loves you terran mommie loves you and micky and all the wee ones in heaven and mommie prays for you and all the
little angels in heaven who long for the day when they too will be held again by their mommies till then my love till then
mommie loves you baby mommie loves you
Holidays....Poem to share
With the holidays upon us
Stores filled and set to sell
Families sharing stories
A faint twinkling bell
Lights off in the distance
Sparkling oh so bright
Ornaments placed just so
That glisten in the night
Snowflakes float around me
Which remind me of the years
Back to holidays so special
Now they often just bring tears
I remember when you opened
Your presents beautifully wrapped
The great big smile on your face
As you found your baseball cap
Surrounded by the presents
That reflected our deep love
For my child hat I long for
Who now lives in heaven above
No longer is their magic
Holidays will never be the same
Now I light a candle
Honor you within it's flame
I wonder how this happened
Is this just a big mistake
That each day not only holidays
Bring such sadness and heartache
Everyone enjoys the hustle
All the happiness and fun
For me it won't be joyous
For I lost my precious son
forever empty forever alone till we meet again
Dec 4 2006
sad day took all my strenght to leave you tonight i wish so hard just to die right there so i would not have to leave
you behind and go home. Tommorrow we remember baby mikey 5 years ago we lost him and now you two play in heavens playground
alone with no mommies to love you oh i know your both loving gramy grove and granny tucker but we miss you both so much babies
I wish so hard to see you to feel you both to hold you both in my arms
how do i do this every day each mintue i wish so much for you to be at my side I loved so much being your mommie and your
grammy mikey how do i do this every day who do i stay here and know your alone in heaven god i pray each day for you to give
me peace but no peace comes to my heart each day the longing and saddess grows life goes on they say but my life ended teh
day he drew his last breath to go on is the hardest thing i have ever done for myself since i have never done much for myself
its hard I love being a mom each of my children so special and unique but only you truely needed me and only you loved me
above all how does one go one after a losing their soul mate ever searching for what we cant have a life again love again
peace again. My baby soon we shall be together until then be at my side as i try to live a life i dont like living show me
the way baby show me I pray for you baby i pray for you and all the motherless babies in heaven while they wait in that special
room with those special angels that fill their arms with you children till their mommies come home.
Holidays oh my baby do you remember last xmas oh i do baby ok it was in all childrens but they really made the day so
special daddy and cephas there dinner at ronlad mcdonald football in teh parking lot with megan and timmy how can i endure
this one so alone with out you nothign seems the same nothing that mattered before seems to matter now everything seems so
trival so stupid in a way i feel free not having to fight crowds to find just a the right gift spending more than i have oh
baby but i would do it in a second just to see your smile there is no one in this world who smiles like you baby you lit up
a room with that smile it was contagious every one feel in love with you
mommie misses you baby and dont worry baby mommie will never leave your side mommie will be here each and every day waiting
for you waiting for the day we to can be together
"We Do Not Need a Special Day"
by Connie Dyer
We do not need a special day
To bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.
Each morning when we awake,
We know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache
As we try to carry on.
Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.
Our thoughts are always with you,
Your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
In death we love you still.
There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were here.
If tears could make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.
We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.
Our family chain is broken now,
And nothing seems the same,
But as GOD calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
Dec 3, 2006 10 long weeks since you left my side
oh my love they say time heals all wounds but that is not so at least not for me so much has changed some good mostly
bad miss brande took me off gifts from heaven guess she felt mommie did not belong anymore since your not here and now mommie
is not convinced this transplant surgery works well enough too many children die to make it feasable i know some have no other
choice but baby when will they listen and understand so much can and does go wrong they dont tell us that do they baby no
one does then us mommies like miss jennifer and miss amanda even miss monica and all the rest we are the ones that have to
live with this awful sad and empty lifes. those few that do marginal 1 in 25 what about the 20 who dont make it. Mommie so
so upset seems nothing she does seems to make a difference i miss you so much i am doing all i can just to stay in this world
lord give me strength show me my path I am listening.
baby life witout you is so empty your room still and quiet my heart sad and cold i try to reach out to help but no one
needs my help i feel so useless i pray god forgives me for what i think about each day how useless my life has become how
empty I try and I try i pull those dear to me close but they squiggle to free themselfs from my grip only you my love only
you truly needed me oh maybe if you had grown things would have been different and you too would have left me but for some
reason that would have been ok i rather lose you to life then to death. YOur in my prayers baby i pray for you each night
i pray you hear them and they help you in your journey. I pray for all the babies and mommies who walk in our shoes for peace
this season for love to find them once more.
goodnight my darling mommie loves you so much
Just wanted every one to know another of our transplant angels who suffered with hirschsprungs and under went tranplant
flew to heaven Friday night at 9:40 pm his name was issiac his mom's name is monica grandmom is part of this group i think
but please add them to your prayer list holidays are horrible for i feel so horrible for the whole family who fought so hard
for this little one to survive and he did a few months saddly monica was there the day terran died and shared my tears as
well. My heart breaks to welcome another to the fold
if anyone wants to mom is so sad she is scared no one cares so please if you can please send flowers i will be buying
a arrangment from this group as well as from guardian society.
thank you so much
Dear Terran
oh baby you have been so busy please hold baby issiac extra close as he will be missing his mommie so much but you know
him as well as you knew his mommie oh baby heaven is becoming so full wiht you wonderful special babies. Tonight mommie went
to a special event at the cemetary and mommie could feel you there i knew you were listening i hope you liked how mommie read
your story mommie is trying baby i try so hard each day just to stay i this body but its not easy baby i miss you so much
i feel so sad for miss monica she was so kind to mommie the day you died i know how hard it was for her to come to my side
even with her baby just down the hall i hope she has the courage to go on. Please baby say a special prayer for her ask god
to send angels to her side so she will not be alone in her grief.
mommie loves you baby mommie loves you
Thursday nov 30, 2006
mintes ticking hours rolling by days streaming on into another beats of my heart beat by the second telling me i am still
here on this earth still trying to fill my time still breathing still trying to find a purpose each day flows in to another
filled with nothingness. Endless dark days of saddness today after such a wonderful day yesterday was filled with tears and
saddness I try and try to no end
your face filled my day but for some reason you did not fill my head last night no dreams came but then again no nightmares
that i can remember
the cemetary where i lay next to you is filled with so much saddness its a world in to its self set apart from society
each day i see the same sad souls some new ones fill us with renewed saddness at the familys new tears. as we pass one another
nods of hellos fill the days while we sit next to our loved ones I look at the graves next to you baby some so taken care
of some so lonely so sad to be left all alone here in this place of peace each of us shadows sit beside our loved ones sometimes
we wonder over to each other and share stories and tears. All of us dread the holidays those of us who live in two worlds
one of the dead one of the living separating these worlds is memories fresh and new. when i used to wait for you like surgery
or that kind of thing i used to say one minute gone two one hour taht sort of thing i knew that all i had to do is get to
the next minute or hour before i saw you again before i held you before i was allowed to comfort you again I try to do the
same thing now i think one minute two mintues one hour but now its how long I can sit next to you or lay next to you or dream
of you. Days used to be full of life now my days are filled with death and saddness I cant seem to shake the chill thats filled
my soul since you left me still as I lay my head down I fill my ears with sweet music my eyes closed i attempt to see you
in the light of darkness.
Mommie loves you baby I am trying to live i am trying to go one but its very hard baby I pray god lets me come home soon
I dont know how much longer i can hold on.
wedesday nov 29, 2006
well i did it I saw terran I spoke to terran I know your near me baby today was overwelming and exciting sasha and mommie
visited a psyhic who knew so much first she noticed you were next to me she did not say so till the end of the reading she
told me things like she said "i want to say the letter R" then told mommie about the ticket daddy got and how his
license almost got suspended because your died and we forgot to pay the fine, she told me of your sisters and their problems
great i thought no terran she kept looking behind me then the cards took a turn she spoke of you my baby she told me how you
died not of your long illness but of someting else she told me what my mouth fell open baby what a thing i saw the angel of
death in the cards it told her of your death then the cards turned to how my reason for being here now is to change things
and that I would be successful at doing then i saw the card of justice the hands of fate turned to our favor and we will find
justice for our baby. I went to see you and then amazing things happened after i began to pray for you and michael my heart
heavy with tears I prayed that mommie needs to see you baby a storm was brewing all around me huge storm clouds swirled threating
my time with you then amazing i saw you in the clouds now some may think oh no kim's off her rocker shes jumped her track
shes gone off the deep end but baby I KNOW THAT WAS YOU AND MICHAEL AND I HAVE PICTURES TO PROVE IT red perfect color baby
to show mommie it was you in the middle of huge black clouds i saw two streaks of red then the disapered then i saw a cluster
of clouds i ran for my camera and got the streaks before they left then i looked up at the cluster AND I SAW YOUR FACE I KNOW
I AM NOT NUTS BUT BABY I SAW YOU RIDING ON A BIKE RED STREAKS ALL AROUND YOU I SAW YOU CLEAR AS A BELL
oh baby thank you for today thank you baby i can never tell you how much mommie needed today what a wonderful day i had
while i still long so much for you for what we had it feels a little bit better the rain hit shortly after i had to leave
at 6:01 exactly what a wonder that was the only bad part is mommie was unble to buy the plot next to you baby it was gone
but mommie maybe not be beside you when she dies baby but i will be at your feet and so will daddy we will be forever together
baby oh darling how wonderful I feel for the first time I feel hope hope that I will get changes in miami changes in the way
doctors get away with hurting babies like you oh my dreams will be wonderful tonight
love you baby
mommie loves you more than anything in the world and cant wait till she enjoys the wonder that is having you back in my
arms again.
Tuesday nov 28, 2006
endless days of torment endless days of saddness lifting the veil somewhat my mind dulls being next to you is my salvation
is my only respite in a world that seems not to want me to need me to even want to tollerate my presence. Today i finished
reading a book called never say goodbye baby did you hear me reading to you i loved the part that said "when you send
a something to an loved one in heaven they get it. what a wonderful place your in baby what a great place i long for the peace
i know your near i am learning how to listen better to know your presence to learn of your existance but baby mommie wants
you back i know i can never have that again there will never be a child like you again on this earth so special and pure so
bratty so mine no one to hold when they are hurt no one to listen to those jokes that only you could tell "love the one
mommie where do hamsters come from " hamserdam you bust up each time and no matter how sad our upset at you i was that
would get a smile on my face i smile now just thinking of you saying that joke. Some say I have others while that maybe true
only you really needed me the girls all have grown up and have children of their own and while they love me and I love them
its not the same as when the child is your own. you fit just right you and I together always knowing what to do to make each
of us feel better thats what I miss your smile your witty laughter the way you could make me feel so smart so needed no one
gives me that anymore no more I was asked today kim you know terran was not going to grow up not going to be a man i said
"while my head always knew i would not see grandchildren from terran my heart never wanted to listen" Everyone has
gone on as before and while they love me they have life to lead mine life was theirs while they were little and needed me
but even cephas looks to daddy for most of his needs mainly i took care of you and now he resents me for getting after him
when daddy has let him get away with so much all these years some days i feel like a wicked step mother i have no place left
for me being gone so long takeing care of you they learned to live with out me and now that you are not here they have no
need for me at least thats how i feel they say oh mommie we need you too but they dont really they learned long ago how to
do for themselfs and that was ok and is ok but whats left for me baby whats my purpose now to simply live till cephas goes
to school then all I can think of is getting to you baby but then i feel like i am a mear visitor like one of those moms whose
child is in the hosptial but for what ever reason she does not stay at his side and mearly visits i know how you felt about
those mommies how it hurt so much for you to see them alone and you would tell mommie "i am so lucky mommie you stay
with me i am never alone" i loved hearing that baby I loved how i could take the tears away and chased all the bad wicked
people away from your side i miss that now the most there is no one to chase the monsters from my heart baby but mommie is
learning
now terran my love my angel please tell mommie what you did with cephas toy i know you took it and I know why now please
baby tell mommie where it is so funny how you chose to show mommie that your here in this house the toys moving the raido
coming on i have even heard you baby yes mommie is lisening but please baby please stop scaring the doggy her barking hurts
my head sometimes heheheh and that vcr well darling turing it on and off its so sweet yes baby we know your here mommie is
just so very lonely maybe soon mommie will find her purpose or maybe her life will be done and she will finally be next to
you forever more. till then my love I will see you in my heart and my dreams
Monday nov 27, 2006
Dearest Terran mommie had such a hard day yesterday I could not stay away from you we sat together all day late to the
evening i was once again pulled from you. Mommie is trying baby I really am but i cant find my purpose I cant find anyone
who wants me or needs me like you did every time i try i get turned away what is mommie to do i guess what i do every day
sit by you morning till night life with out you just is not right there is no happiness no joy even next to you all i can
do is cry and worry and miss you i am trying to learn how to talk to you better to hear you better last night mommie hurt
so bad I could nto sleep all i could do was cry and cry then i heard your chimes all alone late in the night i heard them
loud and clear baby mommie finaly fell asleep after that and dreamed pretty dreams of you
each day I try so hard not to think of you every second but no matter how hard i try to fill my days thoughts of you and
the tears flow God how am I to do this why must I do this you are not here anymore for them to hold over me to make me do
things they feel I must do all i want to do is be with you to lie next to you and play with you
mommie loves you baby i hope you like the new toys and flowers mommie brought you today.
Nov 25 2006 another saturday another saturday night another sunday morning another week gone by and still i am here still
waiting still praying each day for god to give me my wish to answer my prayer I begged god today at your grave terran i begged
him to help me i cant take the pain of your not being here its never ending unrelenting angony no human being should have
to endure. tonight as i have every saturday night i relive your last day of life at this time you were playing with cephas
being bratty as usual you just finished your breathing treatment mommie took pictures daddy went to dinner and had just gotten
back we had snuggled and watched a video god i can still see you lying next to me feel your warmth and smell you. YOu asked
if daddy could stay you wanted him to stay with you mommie did not want to go but cephas wanted mommie too i felt so torn
I wanted to stay but you got to see daddy so little how could i break your heart little did I know god if only i had known
it would be my last night with you baby mommie is so sorry i wasted our last day helping someone else damn why did i do that.
My heart baby my heart cant take this saddess this lonelyness this heartbreak it has grown since you died i cant bear even
to clean your room baby all want is you back in your room in your bed in my home in my arms why did god give you to me only
to take you back why did he not show me that miami was going to kill you baby why did he not tell mommie to take you somewhere
else why did i not trust my heart and know how much longer must i endure this pain.
I miss you baby i miss you every second of the day god how i wish I would die this very second so i would not have to
endure another saturday night why must I
NOv 24, 2006 two months since you left me
oh lord how do i do this every day day in day out each day the same each day the longing grows. Each day I struggle to
find things to take my mind off you not being at my side terran. Each day it gets harder and harder to leave your grave each
day i spend more and more time there not wanting to leave you. I hate this life so much so devoid of love and happiness so
empty and futial. I sat on the porch today i found your medical alert bracelet we lost long ago the thought of your skin touching
this made the tears flow long and hard. Each day mommie misses you more and more each day i worry each day i wonder how you
are what your doing.
last night my mind would not turn off hour by hour minute by minute my mind was filled with toughts of you. God I wish
so much that god take me home to be with you. Each day I pray god please let this be my last day on earth each night i close
my eyes and pray god take me home please. Each morning when my eyes open and I start to live another day i slip father and
father in to insanity praying for the blessings that would be mind if I allowed my mind to follow the darkenss of my heart.
I want so much for you to be near me my life is so empty all i do is spread saddness all that was good about me was you all
the love I had went with you leaving a bitter sad broken body living day by day stuggling just to not take my next breath.
Oh baby mommie loves you mommie needs you so much mommie misses you so much and cant wait to see your wonderful face and
hear all the tales of your time in heaven then we will lay be each ohters side and hold each other tight forever never to
be separate again
Sept 23, 2006 thanksgiving story
for years mommie has gotten up with the chickens just to start that thanksgiving turkey knowing soon our table would be
full of happy faced children full of happiness and wonderful storys oh of course the occassional arguement as well but this
am i did not rise early to start the bird i did nto even shop for one instead when i got up i went to terran to sit by him
and watch a movie as i sat there a nice gentleman came up and asked if he could talk to me
he said he had seen me manytimes when i visited terran he visted his wife who had died 3 1/2 years ago as we spoke of
our loved ones tears doted his eyes as he spoke of the great love he held for his wife and how he has coped with her passing.
when he rose to leave he said " i was havinig a very rough day i saw your sons grave and you sitting here and now in
talking to you i want you to know how much your son has affected me and how i feel so much better just knowinig your son"
terran my wonderful son even in death you drag me from my comfortable place you force me to live life and help others as
you are helping others thank you terran for today i needed this more than I can ever say
this afternoon will be spent by your side mommie daddy and cephas will be there to spend this day none of us can bear
that empty spot at the table so come with us son if your able sit by us as we think of you on this day thankful that your
life ment something to someone your life and my life forever entwined and forever togethter
mommie loves you baby mommie loves you
wedesday sept 22, 2006
What do i have to be thankful for i guess i should thank miami for causing you to leave me after all in a way i am free
no longer kept up at night with cries of your tummy hurting or that damn feeding pump going off at all hours or thankful to
not have to deal with residents who cant speak english nor understand it no frustrating conversations with doctors who are
lost to help you no uncaring idots who dont know you are the most special child in the world so i guess I should be thankful
most of all to miami for allowing you to die at least in a way i am free
but i dont want to be free i long for your smile for your laughter even the fighting you used to do with cephas in the
back of the car on long trips I long to yell at you to clean your room to pick up your toys to turn off that pump because
its driving me crazy I long to see the sparkle in your eyes i long to hear your footsteps as you sneak in to my room
Wedesday Nov 23, 2006
saddness all around me but at your side i am at peace. We took natalie home today so the house is again empty of innocent
laughter empty of innocent slumber
tommorrow i dont know how i will survive when my heart cant think of what to be thankful for
love you baby mommie loves you
Tueday sept 21, 2006
what a horrible horrible day things went from bad to worst i got so busy helping sasha and looking for a house for mommie
and daddy that i got to see you late my heart broke when i got there i thought it would be a good thing but it was not your
headstone got here today baby now sweet one this will sound stupid but its like you died all over for me again today when |
