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Aug 9 does any one read this anymore am i all alone in the world it feels like it. I feel as if i am on an island all alone when will this feeling get better. Try as i can to get though this week this month thank god for others like me other moms who have lost children such as terran they know how i feel veterans of a unique war the war against death and our children fought and lost in the battle field of life. SO many lifes lost Ian, Jacob, Christan and today i heard little sarah our dear sarah died on july 21 of the flu of all things this child and her parents waged a war against disease like all of us this child underwent two major transplants in a year and fought and fought her parents loved her like all of us love our babies but in the end death won and we are left here to fight a new kind of war. Issiac, Joshy, Sammy all our friends terran all of them now in heaven with you and us mommies and daddies left here with broken hearts some are so brave and been doing the fight longer then mommie have over the last few weeks enparted great advice to mommie baby mommies going to make quilts again does that make you happy but these quilts are very special my love they are made of your old clothes and will be given to others like you i remember how you used to beg and beg the nurses at all childrens when you saw one in the basket you just had to have no matter to you they were ment for babies you just batted those baby hazel eyes and those nurses just folded so mommie decided to take your favorite sheets, favorite tee shirts etc and make quilts out of them for other older children like you who too want a blanket to keep them warm hope that makes you feel good darling mommie is trying very hard darling cephas does not want to go to school its so hard for him babie without his little brother here so mommie is going to homeschool him in a way that helps mommie too because mommie hates being alone this way she wont cry all day when cephas and daddy leave in the morning its so hard without you here baby but mommie has been hearing you sometimes i think about you i talk about you all the time it does not bother cephas he loves that we talk about you while it makes some uncomfortable it helps cephas you would be so proud of him babie tonight when we walked to the store cephas was talking to a lady sitting on a bench while mommie was inside i came hout and she was in tears seems your big brother was talking about you telling her all about his little brother and how brave and smart you were he makes me so proud and darling i guess they were right cephas does need me even though sometimes i dont think he does he shows me i am lucky he's such a good kid your one of the reasons he's so good baby thank you for the dreams lately i know i need to write more here but mommies been so sad lately so many bad things have happened to us its been hard to want to stay in this world when heaven seems so wonderful its hard to fight lifes stuggles when the reason we fought them was you baby tell mommie what can i do for your birthday its going to be sad for mommie and a very hard day to not go to heaven to be with you on so help mommie figure out what to do I love you so much and i am trying baby sometimes the darkness gets so bad mommie cant see thats whats its been like for a few weeks now mommie feels trapped in the dark place but i am trying and with love and lots of support mommie will make it i wish my friends would call more baby i am so lonely and so sad no one calls or emails me anymore i talked to dr r last week it was nice to read words written by him at least i know he cares for me if no one else does i feel so alone baby and so sad i want to come home so badly
Aug 4 next week on the 16 terran would have been 11 his birthday has always been his favorite day of all most of the last few years he has been in the hosptial on this day last year it was teh best birthday yet with cards and letters coming from all over the world for him those pictures and cards and letters lined the walls of his hosptial room those last few weeks of his life today they are presious items in his room we spread them all over his walls along with the cards and letters he got after his transplant and for his birthday as well its the hardest time since he died i dont know how i will survive this next week much less his day i wish I could say I had a great plan for his day but to not even be on this earth but to have him in my arms well that's one wish i hope some day to have granted again please join me and pray for my babys soul may he fly ever higher i hope jesus gives him the biggest birthday cake ever seen in heaven and this time i pray he gets to eat it Dear Terran next week you would have been 11 and in what would have been a wonderful day now i fear that day most of all the days since you left my side no gifts no party no nurses singing happy birthday no happy faces or sloppy kisses How many times did I tell you that you could not die before I did? Because I could not live if you died. SO MANY TIMES. Did I hold you here too long to suffer more than you should? I could not bear the thought of life without you. Children should not die before their parents. How many times has my heart cried "I lied, I lied, I didn't mean it," since that last morning when I knew it was time to let you go. You told me that you loved me more than anything but you wanted to go home to Heaven. I told you it was Okay, that I wanted you to go and not have to suffer anymore. I told you that when a child is born the cord that binds a mother and child together is cut, but there is an invisible cord that binds us that can never be broken. That wherever you go I will always be with you, and no matter where I am you would always be with me. Because I loved you more than life itself I had to let you go. But my heart still cries, "I didn't mean it, it was a lie, I didn't want you to die." But I will always carry you in my heart, and part of my heart and soul went with you that day. I know that you are waiting for me in Heaven. ONLY THEN WILL I BE WHOLE AGAIN. love you baby and i cant wait to be with you again
Yesterdays Sorrow As I sit quietly in the morning all of life's pain rushes in without warning You were taken as if by thief left me here with all this grief Each day brings back yesterdays sorrow As it will continue through all my tomorrows Sadness that has filled this heart as it has from the very start Life's joys will all now be tainted I will wear a mask as if it is painted Smiles seen on the outside will cover this pain I have learned to hide Those around me do not know for I no longer will show The tears that are still here that will remain through each year This pain that is hidden almost as if it is forbidden For we should not admit that we will never be over it Those of us that walk this road that life has tragically bestowed Know of what I speak thereof this terrible loss of a special love
A Life Sentence A life sentence without a reprieve A life sentence forever to grieve To spend my life longing for what cannot be... As long as I'm here there is no place to flee A life sentence that will cause many tears To be continued for all of my years Wake to another day filled with lost hope A life sentence of trying to cope A life sentence to feel betrayed By a life that was taken one terrible day To try to live on imprisoned by me No escaping this sentence... no place to be free A life sentence of sleepless nights Nightmares that won't disappear with the lights No place to go, no place to hide A life sentence that lives on inside A life sentence of heartache and pain Although I may hide it, it still does remain A life sentence without a reprieve A life sentence forever to grieve
Some Day I Will Soar With The Angels Some day I will soar with the angels What a beautiful day that will be To look at the sky and see rainbows Coming from heaven for me Some day I will soar with the angels Pain will at last finally cease You will take me away from this sorrow To a place full of beauty and peace Some day I will soar with the angels My tears will be all washed away Sunshine and blue skies will greet me And you will be with me each day Some day I will soar with the angels No longer will life hold this grief A magical place, known as heaven Will erase this most terrible thief Someday I will soar with the angels To glide through the stars in the night Feel the love that surrounds me In the beautiful celestial light Some day I will soar with the angels My spirit will then be set free To join with my heavenly angel Together again, you and me
Hello all Thank you for reading terrans web site thank you for helping me keep his memorie alive and thank you for caring about us and coming here there are 100 or more people a day who visit terrans web site read of his journey and stuggles and now read of mine in learning how to deal with life without this special child beside me. Grief is overwelming and unending every parent i talk to who has a child who died says the same thing "you never get over the loss a child the pain never goes away and you are never the same while the pain at first is horrendous it dulls over years and years " thats my fear having to live with the pain of not having my beloved terran by my side and having to live like this for years. Please if you will take the time to write of yourself and your family in terrans guest book i read it everyday and take great comfort in hearing how my words and my sons stuggles have affected your family. Terran stuggled so long and his death affected me greatly i dont have the words to say really how i feel except here where i feel safe and open my soul please if you will please share how these words have helped you hold your children closer or made you make other choices in your life that way maybe just maybe it will help not just me but others who visit this place find the peace they too are seeking. And if ever a time comes where I am no longer here to write I pray someone will come forward and offer to keep my babies memorie alive. thank you again for taking the time to visit and read of our journey may god bless you in your own journey may god give you peace and love. your friend Kim and Terran
Warning to all those wbo read this page, This page is called letters to terran it consists of letters to my son from myself. This is where I talk to terran be with terran and empty my soul. The loss of a child is a deep wound terrans death left me with this huge gaping void in my life. each day of his life we were together i lived for him i breathed for him everything i have done for the last 5 years was because i feared i would lose him. I believe in my heart that terran was my soul mate my ohter half i lived to see him smile he loved me above all and trusted that his every wish his every desire was mine. We tried so hard to help him to find others that would make him get his ultimate wish to be like other kids. And when those we trusted failed him they failed me. His death was tramatic not just that he died but in my mind his death could have been prevented so please if you are upset at these pages please dont read them But I need this page to help me. thank you for your understanding
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My place in this world was at his side
Beside you always We follow the river down into the stream That's where my dream began I left my worries to the people who stare And dreamed without a care * That (yes) I'd always be beside you To watch the day and night And we listen to the sunrise And feel it's growing light And peace will come inside so quiet Wherever we're going, I don't know For a million years our love keeps growing The mystery deepens, day by day But trust my love, and hear me say Peace will come inside so quiet And peace will come inside so quiet
Beside you always
Click here send kim or terran and email
click here to read an article in the st pete times about terran and how we are seeking justice against those who caused terrans death
Click here to visit terrans friend ryans site of hope
Jan 5 still cant write the year its too unreal to start a new year with out you here been working all day baby on a new video of you a celebration of you i hope people like it http://www.myspace.com/kimrobinstein love you baby mommie is going to sleep now and dreaming of you and of the day when i no longer have to dream of you but the dream will be true
check out terrans latest video "Heavens Special Child"
Click here for a new article dated feb 10, helping us spread the world and get justice for terran
IM SO TIRED I'm so tired of crying because you're in another place. I'm so tired of drying these sad tears from my sad face. I'm so tired of denying that you're gone away from here. I'm so tired of implying that your spirit is very near. I'm so tired of trying to understand this awful pain. I'm so tired of flying to that place that keeps me sane. I'm so tired of dying over and over again each day. I'm so tired of sighing because nothing will be okay. I'm so tired of buying things you'll never get to use. I'm so tired of shying away from others cruel abuse. I'm so tired of prying for answers from my lonely soul. I'm so tired of eying all that used to make me whole. I'm so tired of lying to myself to make it through. I'm so tired of spying into dreams to hear from you. I'm so tired of defying death that just won't seem to stay. I'm so tired of supplying no reason why you went away. I'm so tired of crying because you're in another place. I'm so tired of drying these sad tears from my sad face.
July 21 its been so long since you left us baby so long and still i cant seem to live i cant breathe i barely sleep always surrounded by darkness yet in the middle of all this sadness i sense your presence all around me even sometimes i think i can see you maybe even hear your voice is there a place where we go when we leave this place is it wonderful as they say where every wish every dream comes true when you left my side were you taken to a new place a place of peace were you greeted with gladness and love as you were when you came to us at birth is death here a birth in heaven and did you at last obtain your dream on that day the saddest day of my life did your dream fanally come true at last were you free and happy were they able to give you all i was unable to give you at last you were free is there others realms where souls go and live where every wish every dream comes true in a instant do they sit and watch us guild us and show us the way do they help us are they around us in this unforseen world they can see us but are sad because we can not feel them do they stand beside us when we cry trying in vain to dry our tears screaming in our ears "mommie I am here" "mommie I love you" Mommie i am healed " why cant i hear your words baby why cant i feel your touch why cant i feel happy for you when at last your dream has come true in my human failing i would have moved mountains to keep you given my own life just to ease your pain to keep you with me i would have done anything but it was beyond my power to heal you to give you the one thing that was denied you since you were born in my weakness my humaness i forced upon you years of pain and saddness my weak attempts to keep you caused you pain for that i will forever suffer for it was I who wanted to keep you I who forced you to stay when your soul wanted to return in peace i will never forgive myself for allowing them to hurt you to make those last few days and weeks ones that should have been carefree and full of love but in my not wanting to let you go i ruined your death if only i knew my baby if only i knew things would have been so different peace and love would have surrounded you when you went home my love peace and love if i regret anything i ever did in my taking care of you my love it was in letting them touch you for that i will forever suffer the memory of your death forever will i feel regret and sadness if in deed there are other realms in which we inhabit and if indeed you are on one of them i pray you are happy i pray you are healthy and surronded by all the love i pray that you attained all your soul needed during its life time so you will never have to feel the pain of life again my love in this i pray someday we will be together again I hope and pray that day is very soon for I miss you my baby I miss you and I love you
Sad days and sadder nights Sitting here all alone raining thunder what to do i cant put in words how i have felt lately i cant seem to get out much past going to the store or seeing terran since the article came out how the hosptial is not going to have to pay and how no lawyer in florida has the gutts to help me since the florida legislators passed the law limiting how much you can sue for seems like doctors come to florida just to do as they please this world this new world i live in is upside down wrong is right and no one takes blame when a innocent child is murdered by doctors and hospital neglect no one cares and i am cast as the murning mom unble to accept that nothing will ever be done to the doctors and nurses that caused my childs death no one will ever stand trial for his death but a light at the end the tunnel is no longer even in my sites how can i contiue in this world that seems so driven by paris hiltons and britney spears such shallow spoiled children who dont deserve what they have and yet they flaunt it and ohters encourge their bull crap paris goes to jail for dui and larry king pays her a million dollars for an interview that honestly i did not see and dont care about her shallow views on anything when there is more important things in this world we live in like children dying at then hands of unskilled heartless surgeons with bloated egos who kill countless children three years ago terran and i said goodbye to othello what a wonderful child he too was murdered by miami's finest doctors kato and tzakis and the caring and compassinate nursing staff of ptsu any who visits the floor of ptsu at jackson memorial hosptial can see how overworked they all are just by looking at their backsides and let me tell you some of them have some pretty impressive backsides so impressive they cant get in between the beds in some rooms they are so impressive but somehow they keep getting away with their murders and neglectful lifes i truly dont understand how the state can turn a blind eye at whats going on down in miami at jackson memorial hosptial how every othter transplant center has year long waiting lists but hum miami will tell you "no one goes more than 34 days with out transplant" an 90% of patients get organs they do not need why you ask well we parents who have been strong armed by dr tzakis know that when your child is in this state you will do anything to save their life no one knows that your childs life means little to these doctors and nurses numbers money and status are the main agenda as miami strives to become the multiviseral center of the world who cares if they fudge numbers as long as they keep doing what they are doing the state of florida gives them immunity to kill at will why should they care why else would they break all teh rules of transplant transplanting ebv and cmv postive donors in to negitive children those children can go on to die from ebv and cmv why take the risk in such fragile children why because they can get away with it is why why put 7 or 8 organs in a child who only needs 3 or 4 to live well because it gets them notices and gets their names in the paper which brings more unknowing victims to their door begging for the lives of their children these doctors do what ever they want and then hide behind privacy laws NO ONE IS PROTECTING THESE HELPLESS FAMILIES AND CHILDREN NOT DOCTORS NOT LAWYER NOT EVEN OUR SENATORS AND REPESENTINGS NOT EVEN THE STATE AGENCY WHOSE JOB IT IS TO PROTECT THE CITIZENS OF FLORIDA FROM DOCTORS LIKE DR TOMIKA KATO AND DR ANDREAS TZAKIS FROM HIDING BEHIND RESIDENTS WHO CANT SPEAK ENGLISH MUCH LESS KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF THESE FRAGILE CHILDREN WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THESE CHILDREN AND SHATTERED FAMILYS WHEN THEIR LIFES ARE SHATTERED BY THE DEATH OF THAT CHILD WHEN THE FAMILY ARE IN FINACIAL RUIN AND THE DOCTORS LIVE IN FAT LUXURY THE NURSES ARE NOT SCARED OF WE PARENTS WHO LOVE OUR CHILDREN NO WHY SHOULD THEY BE THEY TOO ARE PROTECED BY THE SAME ONES PROTECTING THE DOCTORS WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO PROTECT THESE INNOCENT CHILDREN DAMN IT DO WE GIEVING PARENTS HAVE TO WAIT TILL THEY DIE BEFORE WE SEE JUSTICE when will our childrens blood be avenged when will someone do something to save the children not just mine but all the sick fragile children and parents who are duped in to thinking they care about their children when we all know now that they dont all they care about is thier own agenda and inflated wallets and inflated egos
today this article ran in the st pete times about my baby still no one seems to care they killed my baby and so many ohters why do some get away with so much while others are left to grieve their damage and nothing seems to happen to them its so unfair i cant seem to get going anymore been forever that i cant do much except sit on this porch and rock and watch old tv programs i have lost so much weight and hurt so much i cant sleep i cant eat much when will this end when will the heartache fade so i can breathe again when will I move forward but then again if i do will I forget you too Mother still asks why her son died She's unhappy that the hospital isn't held accountable. By CAMILLE C. SPENCER Published June 17, 2007 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A month after her 10-year-old son bled to death at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami-Dade, Kim Robinstein filed a complaint alleging that doctors there killed him. While the state's Agency for Health Care Administration cited the hospital for deficiencies, the agency's findings don't support her allegation that doctors were responsible for the death of her son, whose disease caused his intestinal tract to malfunction. "I'm frustrated," said Robinstein, of Port Richey. "I can't believe they're still open." In her October complaint with AHCA regarding her son Terran, who died Sept. 24, Robinstein said: Terran was moved to a room that wasn't equipped for his care and was exposed to latex despite having a latex allergy. The major thing that contributed to his death was a staph infection he received while in ICU. Her complaint prompted AHCA to investigate the Miami hospital in November. After AHCA's visit, Jackson Memorial was forced to correct its mistakes. Among them: Officials at the 1,558-bed hospital failed to report, investigate or control infections at the hospital. Large holes were found in the floor of an operating room where patients were receiving care. A refrigerator that held food for patients was dirty, along with serving utensils in one of the hospital's kitchens. In response to the AHCA investigation, officials at the hospital refused to speak to a Times reporter. Instead, Jackson Hospital released a brief statement: "... the deficiencies brought to our attention by AHCA were immediately acted upon. A plan of correction was submitted, accepted and implemented. At Jackson Health System, we are committed to our patients and their well-being. They are, and always will be, our top priority." While Jackson Memorial said it was dealing with its problems, Robinstein grieved for her son. Terran was born with Hirschsprung's disease and spent most of his life in a hospital. He was unable to eat solid foods and had a colostomy bag. On Sept. 3, Terran had a seven-organ transplant at Jackson Memorial. Two weeks later, his esophagus graft fell apart, and he developed a staph infection. Doctors repaired it, but told Robinstein that the graft was at the greatest risk to fall apart nine to 14 days later. Because of overcrowding in the ICU, Terran was taken to a regular room nine days later. He bled to death the next day. Robinstein held a home funeral for her son. Now, she spends three hours a day at Trinity Memorial Gardens, where Terran is buried. She plays music and talks to him. She said she's still confused about what happened to Terran during his final hours at Jackson Memorial. "Nobody has ever sat down with me to explain what happened," she said. "And I don't think they ever will." Camille C. Spencer can be reached at cspencer@sptimes.com or (727) 869-6229.
today elexys is 11 one of the saddest days is this one as you wanted to see ten so badly but now will never see 11 oh baby the last few weeks have been so very hard i hardly leave the house much except to do shopping which i cant seem to avoid but i do as little as possible all i want to do is find peace and peace only comes from staying in this house where your room is oh baby how can i explain this week has been so very hard you should not be dead my love you this week you should have been at camp sunshine with all your friends not where you are all I could think about is this day you would have done this or this day you would have done that then on the final day i got a letter from one of hte mommies who wrote that alot of the parents and kids were torn up over your death and you were the topic of alot of saddness they decided to dedicate a tree for you at camp sunshine you were loved by every one but baby i am so torn i mean i want so very much to be with you every one seem to have gone on wiht life and forgotten you or moved on i cant say which since few talk to me much anymore i guess thats my fault as i dont really do much anymore except sit here and rock and rock and wait for what i dont know each step i take forward hurts so much its like i am leaving you as well and no matter what ohters tell me i cant seem to get past it i guess i dont really want to then it would be like kato who brushed your death off and covered it up forgetting you but i refuse to forget you refuse to let you go even in death i cant let you go horrible i know but if i only knew for certain that I would see you again if only i knew if death would bring peace and not torment or nothing i hate this life of lies and saddnes but there is little i can do as i dont really want to be here dreams fill my heart all day long i see you every where we have pictures of you every where so no matter where i look there you are like i am afrid i would forget your face how could i how can i continue in this world I so wish i knew the truth i wish i could trust again i wish i had hope hope thats what I miss as much as you my love hope because thats what i have lost as much as you i no longer hope or dream of future anything i have not gone to your grave in a week i just cant bear leaving this house for long whats wrong wiht me am i going crazy i hear you in my head is that you or am i insane god help me i am going crazy crazy wiht longing for you by me longing for the saddness to go away longing for you to walk in the door and for this all to be a nightmare they will pay i promise you baby they will pay for killing you someday someway i promise they will hurt ten times worst than you or I hurt i am sorry baby i am sorry mommie is full of so much rage and saddness i just miss you so much i hate them so much for what htey did and what they are still doing i hate how they have gotten away with it and how no one seems to care parents keep taking their children there even when they know they murder children and still they dont see they cant see why dont they see what miami is really what tzakis and kato are behind those eyes when will they see when will we put a stop to the deaths of innocent children at their hands when will I get justice for you my baby when will all the mommies and daddies get justice for their children who have died at miamis hands if only blood stayed on thier hands then every one would know just who they really are and would run from them not trust them then maybe children would live and not die down there
JUne 2 another month summers here my love and only one day in to it and already a named storm comes our way annie went back to her momma today and soon they will leave for pennslyvania and i will never get so see her or the other babes of sasha oh love how it breaks my heart to see whats become of our family whats left any how we are all strung out tommorrow scotty is 4 and i still cant bear birthdays lexy is going to be 11 in the 17 so much going on but mommie cant bear it with out you i have not been oging to the cemetary as often i hope you are happy about that we know your here in our lifes but daddy and i both wish we could see you not just hear you and feel you near i still pray a silent prayer ever night now i lay me down to sleep i pray the lord my life to take please take me in this night so i can lay with my son till mornings light keep my babes in your site will we all share that morning light in heaven once more dearest child of mine how i miss you on nights like this i miss you more and more that i can ever say i am better i dont cry every day now but i no longer live inthis time and place i prefer to do things i did nto do when you were here the pain of losing you is just to great but i have buried it along wiht you my love and wait for the day when we are together again for now i simply exist and thats all ican do i talk to you all day long in my head i know its crazy i hear your answers you are so much smarter and old soul i read a book it had some great thoughts for me one being when you lose a wife or husband your a widower or widow but there is no language for the lost child god is a breaved parent i thought of that as well as mary and josesph so i guess i am in good company once i relized that i can talk to god again after all he does understand how i feel i read how when his son jesus was dying on the cross the bible says he looked away and said "father why have you forsaken me" the scholars say that its because of the sin he took for us but in my heart i know now it was not simply because of that it was becasue as a father who loved his son he could not bear looking at the murder of his child like me i play the day of your death over and over and when you died i coujld not bear to look at you when the doctor said go be with yoru child he's dying all i could do was scream at dr kato to so something dont let you die i can just imagine how hard it was for god to look down on his beloved son suffering as he did for us and he had the power to save him but he did not could not its been profound for me these last few weeks to relize what in my heart i have known so long i pray my faith will be restored soon and i can resume my life with god in heaven till then my love i sam sorry i cstill cant attend church or anything like that i cant seem to stand being in a room wiht people still but i am getting better i can stand going to the mall or that sort as long as theres not too many people so not such a hermet as before i pray for you my darling be well my love i miss you
Hello my love how i miss you how i long for you how i love you my darling son each day for me is torture not just for me my love but daddy too misses you so much we are only on this earth now because of cephas if not for me both of us would have joined you by now oh darling its not that we love him more but he's young and needs us to help him grow we have had miss annie for several weeks now we know you know shes here she talks of you all the time its like she can see you she fills such a void in my life wiht her innocent ways and baby talk but its not the same as when you were here its never going ot be the same i know that now and i know that some hate me for what i have become and that you too may be sad for me but darling its all i can do most days just to get out of bed i dont even care what day it is if its monday or tuesday i care less for dates each day i am left on this lonely earth is just one day closer i am to being with you i know i should not be this way i tried to fight for you my darling but dr kato and dr tzakis are just too powerful too much money is at stake for them to even care how they have not only killed you but distroyed me in the process i know I should not let them win perhaps i care more for my own karma and how it affects me my anger towards them i question everything and pray only to make it anohter day i dream of you thank you for that my love the nights when my dreams are full of you make it possible for me to live these lonely days soon we will leave this place soon we will lose everything but thats ok my love because i have lost what i valued the most you my darling you were my gold my silver you were and are my most presious possession life is so empty now that mine is devoid of hope and the innocence of one who never has walked my shoes dr reinstein is so kind to me my love even today he still tries to help me understand that i must get past the pain of losing you get past the pain and nightmares of the last days of you life and move on moving on thats the hard part being forced to give up this house give up what we hold dear your possessions whihc are still in your room your bed still lies your blankets just waiting for you to come home but you never will come home will you my love they say you are next to me watching me and at times i glimpse you but i cant live with out you i am not strong like they say i am my strength was you I love you baby
3:30 am 8 months ago a nightmare began on this night at this time the phone ringing in the middle of the night something is not right and my heart fills with fright when lord when will the tears end when will my nights be full of dreams not nightmares so much death so much darkness my heart overflows with saddness somenights its all can do is walk the earth walk and walk and walk each time i lay my head down i cry images of you my love images of the night you died the pain you suffered and god forgive me the anger just boils over when i think of what could have been done should have been done and how you should be at this moment tapping me on the shoulder saying "mommie i am cold you want to snuggle" in you would come my once cold bed now would be warm and sweet with the smell of your hair your breath even and calm as we both drift back off to sleep oh baby how i miss those nights the most the nights when you were cold or sick or sad and needed to snuggle how i loved those nights with you next to me how lonely it is now back here in this cold dark world with my empty heart i cant even look at myself in the mirror how ugly i have become how horror to look at myself anymore no more mommie your so pretty you made me feel so good baby you love me above all and now i just cant bear to even look at myself much less enjoy a single thing each day i stuggle more so lately its been so hard to even get up life has gotten very hard since you left us baby the world has not been kind and things are getting bad around here i cant blame you for not wanting to be here much anymore even daddy who loved you as much as i do misses you horribly cephas did not even want to go to his graduation today fearing the tears and stares if mommie attended oh how much life has changed since you left us did you ever feel a burden to us no my love you were never a burden to us as a family you were the most important part of us our reason to fight to come together now with out that focus our family has fallen apart soon mommie and daddy and cephas will no longer even live in this house another child will occupy your room how sad i pray i dont live to see that day i pray god takes pity on me i have tried to get justice for you baby but miami is just to powerful they have managed to cover up the details of your death those responsible feel no guilt in you death and i cant do much more i wish i coudl i have tried for 8 months to find someone who cares but each one who steps forward to help me suddenly stops after interviewing the doctors and nurses who have covered up your death as well as teh death of 4 other children we know of all ican do now is pray that someday if there is such a thing as karma that karma will do what i failed at. in seeking justice at least i had an avenue of release for my pain but now it just smolders what will this do to my karma will it hurt my chances on being with you my love i watched a wonderful movie tonight i guess thats why i got so sad when i tried to sleep "5 people you will meet in heaven" what a great movie and it got me thinking how my life has affected others and how i must try to make sure that the rest of my life i will only postivly affect people i say try as its harder than i know but I will try and god knows my heart is pure and my motives sincere prayfuly i wont hurt anyone or seek justice against the innocent all ican do right now love is seek you where i can and look for the signs. i love you tman
Darling its nights like this that makes life for me just unbareable nights when i miss you so much i am in physcial pain so much so i cant sleep i cant eat i cant think all i can do is attempt to empty my soul here to fill the pages with thoughts that run over in my mind i fear someday it will burst baby i always knew my time with you would be limited and that always scared me more then any one can ever know but your death was preventable and tragic i feared for you can you ever forgive me for letting dr kato and the rest touch you again can you forgive me for not knowing more how to help save your life can you forgive me for not being able to forgive them for my letting my life slip away when I should be fighting for you still can you forgive me when i myself cant forgive myself can you forgive me for all the anger i feel inside at those who caused your death can you forgive them? can you find mercy for those entrusted with your care gave you no mercy can anyone sooth my broken heart and mend me so i can fight to live and not dream of only death and begin again to feel the sun on my face to once again enjoy the sense that life has to offer when all around me there is pain and sorroow can i as a human being ever look at anohter human being and feel the compassion i once did when all i now feel is anger and saddness as i said darling i knew my time with you would be short what i cant forgive myself for is allowing dr kato to retransplant you and put you through so much pain and agony the last days of your life should have been spent surrounded by famil
no pain only love i am so angry that i allowed them to ever touch you again after knowing all i knew about them and when you died as you did i felt i knwo why but they won my love they covered it up they hid the facts safe in their delousions they feel they did their best when god and I know better who will pay now for your blood my darling so much has changed since you left us i sometimes pray that you cant see us that there is no heaven or hell no after life so you cant have your heart broken when you look down on us and see what we have become
how do i post more how do i write here or there when i feel that i am not even of this world anymore each day i search for you each day i cry for you when will light begin anew when will my heart lighten when will the fog lift from my heart its been so long since i saw your face kissed your cheeks and felt your warmth at my side. each day i grow father and father from this world in to my world forcing those who love me father and father surrounding myself with only myself each day i fall father and father from the world i used to know each day i wonder will this day be my last will this day bring me my destiny each day i awake and force myself from my bed and stuggle to find ways to fill my day each day i stuggle why must this be why must i continue on this world is full of so much pain for me anymore i can not grasp the enormoity of the emptyness that is in my heart now. how can i continue how can i go on forcing those who love me from my side fearing that i will spread this agony with too many Sorry i have not written more lately all i can do is try to survive the day each day i awake i feel so unsettled so unnerved its all i can do to keep myself busy soon baby soon we shall be as one i strive to find a way to live in this world to survive it for you but this world is so full of pain for me now that its so hard but i am trying darling i am trying i understand why you dont want to go with me to the cemetary its because it reminds you that you are dead and you hate that i can understand that i hate being reminded myself but like the movie the ghost and mrs mur where he lives with the ghost he can see her talk to her i could live like that is that crazy or what i know its crazy but it would be better to live with your ghost that to bear living with this saddness so if its possible thats what i am working on learning and learning how to see you how to know you i know your near me but forgive me baby i need to see you i know it can be done but am lost for now to do it so far maybe soon till then hold on my love mommie loves you for now and forever and someday this old shakkled body will release the soul trapped inside and we will fly together free at last and most important there will be no more pain though lovers be lost love shall not and death shall have no dominion
HI baby wow what a horrible day seems death is bound and determined to invade my life today destiny nearly killed our new puppy teko not on purpose of course she is only 4 but it made me cry so hard to think of anohter person i love would leave me and why do i even bother to love at all i updated my myspace at least my mom did not get her way in throwing away sarahs body as she was rejected by the medical board when my donated her body to science so at least now we will have ashes which will be interned with you my love so i can visit and think of you two at the same time gosh how sad i have been lately but at the same time life has calmed for me as well a calm i cant explain most the day my head is empty thoughts of you and sarah bring envy of sarah and how she gets to be with you while i am stuck here struggling to deal with life tommorrow is mothers day i cant bear it i hate holidays but this one is very painful for me as i feel no longer a mother to you my baby thank you for sending us teko what a chore that dog is imagine a hypoglycemic dog guess its pretty common in these toy dogs but yesterday he woke us up in siezures the vet said i have to feed him every 4 hours just like a new born each time i am late or allow him to sleep to long he gets so sick so as of late i am very bush taking care of him like you his life right now depends on me which makes me feel not so useless in this world someons life depends on me maybe a dog but all the love i give him he gives me back kind of like you not so lonely when he's in my purse shopping with me at walmart or visiting you he like you does not like going to the cemetary betty lou does but she hates car rides well my love been a very stressful and busy week thank you for helping teko today god did listen to my prayers when i begged for him not to take teko after all i have seen enough death for a lifetime much less in the last 7 months darling i am so glad i had you i am so glad you are my son i look for what every gift you decide to give me for mothers day i still remember what you gave me at xmas love you baby love you sarah be well darlings enjoy heaven i will be with you both soon
Hi darling i decided not to write a date anymore lately forgetting what day or date it is helps me not go so nuts we had so much fun today i know some may think i have gone crazy and yes maybe i have but well darling i am listening to you i loved how you said hey mom lets get rid off everything and i have gotten a good start to see your ostomy supplies feeding supplies and watching them burn and knowing in my head your cheering "yea i dont need those anymore i am free " i head it loud and clear when i was cleaning and how much better i feel now that i listened to you and follow your directions see baby i know its you telling me how to breath again my house is so much easier to clean i cant wait to get rid of every thing i own except my computer and a few little trinkets i feel so much better since i talked to daddy while i am going to miss my babes so much when they move i know i can live now that we will be rid of all our stuff we never really cared about its going to be so freeing to live in a car or camper and just be free to go here and there i am looking for a place near trininty i know baby you dont like going there and mommie has been trying not to go every day but the work i have to do to keep myself occupied just to not think its time to see terran well i dont have to terran is right here while i still long for your body i am able to hear you better each day still cant wait to see you every day but wiht time and lots of love i know someday someway we will be that way again but this time we will be free NO MORE DOCTORS NO MIAMI NO DR KATO NO ANNOYING NURSES POKING YOU FREE TO EAT DRINK AND DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT TO BABY oh mommie cant wait to join you in heaven still i know baby you dont like mommie talking like that but i am trying my heart will break more when sasha and the kids leave for pennslyvania oh why does shawn have to be so selfish and self centered not caring about anyone elses feelings baby if you can talk to him and sasha make them understand that leaving here is a terrible idea and to stay so i can watch my babes grow up while i have so many even one missing cant be replaced by another my heart breaks with each one sleep well babie lots of work tommorrow
sorry baby i did not write to you could not tear my self out of bed yesterday and today all i could think about when i got up was being near you its getting harder and harder each day to live without you here and it seems as if ever since jeb bush left office our goverment cares less and less about the little ones miami has killed i got the paperwork on the investigation in to your death dr kato lied and they belived him what is this world coming to when no one listens to anyone else and lies are allowed to be spread about a little boy or girl killed by the doctors entrusted to care for them how much longer can god look on this earth and not send his angels to wreak justice on those who harm how much longer till the rapture i have been reading alot lately baby i wish you would let me see where you are so i can better understand it but each night when i ask you take me to where you live now i dont remeber my dreams how sad i know i am content in these dreams the next day its so hard to get up i dont want the dream to stop i feel so sad when i wake up like i was so content and so happy i dont want it to end but every time i turn around its saturday and the day begains the same and ends the same wiht tears in my eyes i dont know how many more brick walls i can handle baby i do want justice for you justice against those who have killed you and countless other children but i dont know where to turn my friends say i need to turn my anger in to ways to seek justice but each time i try brick walls higer and higer those doctors in miami dr tzakis and dr kato have lots of money baby they have power power enough to pay off officals who were invistagating your death now they say different things and who am i just a poor sad mom who dearly misses her belvoed son and who now seeks only to die and be with him but i want to do gods will as well i want them to stop hurting the children i want them to stop making millions while children and families are distroyed but where do i turn please if any one can help me please contact me i need help
April 25 today was a sad day our friend brandon brewer is not doing so well rihgt now and I fear my love that he may join you soon oh baby such a sad world when so many wonderful children like you are no longer in it seems this is what happens sooner or later in these children oh you had some good years i know but it seems to me that sometimes we forget that you children are special and forget to make sure you have a great life i know i am guilty of that i pushed and pushed dragging you from seattle to maine to any one who gave me a glimpse of hope that i could save you such horrible people giving false hope to mommies like me when in the end its greed that motivates these men even in pittsburg they are greedy so many children die waiting for transplant parents promised so much then not knowing that they will never get a chance since pittsburg wont risk their numbers on hopeless cases even if they list they do very few transplants just to falsify and inflate useless numbers while miami does more transplants they dont care who they transplant nore what organs they use just again to inflate numbers but those numbers are mostly false oh baby what a world we were dragged in to i am so sorry i listended to those men who lied and decieved me i hate how much i put you through because i feared living the life i now life a life wiht out you i pray you forgive me for forcing you to under goe what to me now was a useless operation oh if only i had known i would have taken you home and not allowed those murderers to touch you just peace ful fun would have filled your last days and together we would have lay down and entered heaven together I am sorry my baby MOmmie is so sorry
april 24 7 months ago my life fell apart 7 months ago i learned a new way of living 7 months ago my heart broke in two 7 months 7 months ago seems so long but such a short time to be in this world without my baby in such a time i have learned so much done so little oh baby each day that goes by with out you brings me closer to the day when my wish comes true and i will again look in those hazel eyes and again my heart will be mended today i thought of you often but no tears funny how somedays i dont cry while ohters i cant stop some days i am so full of rage at those who killed you while other days i wonder about them i miss jessica and dr R and all his staff i miss those funny nurses at all childrens who used to come in the room late at night just to josh with me or share gossip oh baby its been so long since i have seen them i still have no friends no one to talk to no one who seems to want to be near me so full of pain somedays i drive even daddy away but then somedays he amazes me the ohter day i was crying on the porch and looking at your windchime daddy came out and asked me whats wrong i said "i miss terran so badly right now as i looked at your chair rememberin ghow you used to come out and pop up in that chair oh the talks we had late at night just you and I cephas still does this but its not the same the things you would ask me oh baby i can sit here and think back to all the times we had the horror of your death is getting better i dont dream of it every night anymore and its not the last thought on my mind each night i have been trying to think of happier things like the times we had together your wish your trip to camp the fun times we had oh baby i hope you had some fun in your life i hope you were happy its all i wished for you to be happy if not healthy then at least i could make your life as happy as possible i am trying baby the bad days are not as many some days i can actuly get through the day with no tears and sit by you each day watching tales from teh crypt as you wanted i am and always will be your mom baby no matter where you are no matter who is taking care of you now i am your mom and just wish for the day when again i hear those wonderful words from the most awsome child in the world "hey mommshie" i miss you baby
APril 23 yet another month has gone by with no growth the world still goes around though more have joined you in my heart i wonder each day what it would be like to be with you now no sorrow no saddness so why bother staying why bother trying to get on with my life when it would be so much easier this world has become so sad most days i see no one only characters on tv perfering to be here in my room dark and alone with the hum of the tv in the background i was watching a movie the other day chosing mathis mom lost her son to a horrible accident two years each day she traveled to the mountain top to write to her baby to be wiht her baby like me who travels each day to sit by your grave to contiplate what i still dont know i still dont know how to go on like her i read and contiplate so much simlar its like you turned on this movie and were speaking to me i just with for a instant i could glimpse the other side maybe then i could for a moment stay and not lay down my life for you giving up now seems the right thing to do when the world feels so unsafe cephas teacher makes life hell for him i hate her as much as she hates him i hear him cry when she hurts him and no one listens to me when i complain to the school they never move him each moring i have to force him to school she makes his life hell yes he's been depressed he too lost his baby brother why cant the world give this kid a break and let him grieve his bother why is it everyones job to make us move on when we are not ready why is it so hard to understand why it hurts so much to lose some one like you baby each of us is so full of pain each stuggle to understand why the doctors killed you and why you had to die i mean god cant have it both ways he cant take credit for all the good of the world and ignore the fact that each day babies like you die some horribly like you did so why does god allow such things to happen i just do understand this why can god do such miricles then turn a blind eye when a child is in pain and still call himself a loving god who the hell is this god who stands by and sees all the pain in this world then does nothing to stop it is god even here any more or is he a figment of our imagination why doesnt he do anything where are the miricles where are the acts of god why should i praise him why should i pray to him because he says so WHO THE HELL IS HE WHO TURNS A BLIND EYE TO ALL THE [PAIN AND SUFFERING THIS WORLD HAS and sits there and has the balls to judge me BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT MY ASS I THINK THERE IS NO GOD THERE IS NO HEAVEN AND MIAMI DOCTORS ARE MURDERERS WHO SHOULD BE PUNISHED but who the heck am i just a mom full of pain who cant see past her pain to breathe again
April 19 a poem for you baby I love you I WON'T SAY GOODBYE, TODAY IS NOT THE DAY. I KNOW WE WILL MEET AGAIN, SOMEPLACE, SOME WAY. WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN, SOME DAY. THEREFORE YOU NOW HAVE SORROW; BUT I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN AND YOUR HEART WILL REJOICE, AND YOUR JOY NO ONE WILL TAKE FROM YOU. John 16:22 I will not walk with him again Beside a mountain stream; Or down a quiet woodland path Sharing all his dreams. I will not hear his special laugh Or know his teasing ways; No secrets shared, no looking for His smile to light my days. I will not see the sparkle of His large expressive eyes, That sometimes cried and sometimes held The stars that fill the skies. I will not hear, "I love you, Mom, Though sometimes I don't show it;" But through the years that quickly passed, Somehow I'd always know it. I will not hear him tease his sister As he laughs with glee; He won't be there for picnics, How hard that is for me. I will not hear his music While he (loudly) sings along; I won't discuss with him again The merits of a song. I will not see him "digging in" To all his favorite meals; Nor laugh or cry or hold him Through all the things he feels. I will not feel his special hugs And hold him in my arms; Nor be manipulated by His smile...his talk...his charm. For now he walks with angels and The pain he knew has ceased; Now its God who holds him close In never-ending peace. But though he's gone, within my heart Are precious memories of These special things...surrounded by A mother's endless love.
April 20 such saddness such rage fill my heart my tears just wont stop flowing i cant think i cant breathe whats wrong with me baby i am so torn torn from wanting to be next to you to wanting to stay with the kids i feel as if they all need me too much but i hate how much they need me because it makes me feel so torn i miss you so much i miss you when its dark and i am alone even when someone is here i feel alone i cant focus i cant find a reason to stay but fear if i leave what will happen to my children who will care for them will they be ok but i feel as if you too need me but i fear whats on the ohter side what if this stuff i am being fed is all a lie god what i would give just for a glimpse just a taste i need to know if the other world is real i need to see you baby i need to see you i have not heard you for a week i miss you i need to know that if i stay you will be there if i leave will i see you i am so confused so frustrated so alone and so sad i dont know what to do how to do anything i wish god how i wish i miss my faith it was my comfort my relief but now even that is shattered i wish i knew for sure that if i left this world if my babes woudl be ok or will they hate me will i be damned for all time for giving up my life but what life do i have now baby i miss you so much i keep thinking you were the glue that held us together and i feel that if god had not taken you that instead of letting you die he made you well god i cant understand the reasons for your death what has it done at first i thought that it would show how horrible miami was how stupid the doctors are down there and how lazy the nurses are how much htey dont care i thought that you died like you did to show the world just how bad they were but its done no good nothing has changed all i have done is for nothing your death ment nothing to those who killed you those who are supposed to protect you care nothing except for what it can do for them i feel so angry and so full of rage my heart is so cold i am so empty what good is it for me to live in this world when i know in my heart i will never get over you i will never stop missing you and each day i sit by your grave i keep telling myself its only for now soon we will be together like i used to when you went to surgery or such and we were apart i kept counting the minutes hours till i held you again i told myself this is this moment soon this moment will be gone time will pass and soon this horror will end and we will go home safe and sound but there is not safety even in home now even though so many want me here its not for the reasons you wanted me here i cant think of living like this for years and years how can i stand to live like this i have no strength i am told to hold on it gets better then by some i am told it does not get better that you just learn how to live again a new way but i dont want a new way i never wanted this i never wanted anything but to help you get well i hate those who killed you so much it hurts so much to see them still living life having children making money and glorifiying themselfs when in the real world they are murderers and should be in jail while you lie in a cold dark grave and i live beside you they are free but if i get justice for your death will my anger subside will i be able to breathe again or will my life be more empty than before. I wish god would just take me home just let me fall asleep just float away in to oblivion free of the pain in my heart but free to help those i leave behind oh to see beyound the veil to know if its true that theres a heaven that god exists that we have a soul and its set free at death taht we are on this cosmic journey and in a instant we are back together free to live in a world free of pain and agnoy free of strive and horror endless peace and contentment why would i stay if my promise is for this threats used against me if i take my life i throw away the peace promised but how can I live with this pain I miss you baby i miss you please help me show me god into your hands i comend my life show me i am weak hold me up take my life i have nothing show me how to live again show me my purpose in life give me a reason to go on
April 19 god for some reason tonight I am so full of rage and anger i cant seem to even sit still its all i can do is to empty my soul here and pray it helps me not be so angry at those darn doctors who killed you i know baby i know i should forgive i know but darling they dont care they never did they lie and decieve parents and even though they killed you no one seems to care no one stops those murdering doctors in miami still chidlren die at their hands they show those damn pictures of smiling children there even one of you claiming how your life was saved by The transplant program at Jackson Memorial hosptial and dr kato and tzakis taking credit for you looking so good damn them they lie and lie and get rich off the blood of the children and no one seems to care no one stops them baby i dont knwo what to do to stop them form killing more children with their care how many darling how many god must die before some one does something about them dr tzakis dr kato dont deserve the credit for saving one child when they have killed so many and get away wiht it they both should be in jail they are killing children and getting away with it oh i know how you are angry at me and I know so many more will be too but anger is the only emotion i have anymore its all i have baby god i hope i die soon i am so sick and tired of living in this world of being in this body of knowing all i know and not being able to do a darn thing with it i cant save any of the children they have already killed and nothing has changed down there they still use infected organs still hide behind privacy laws they still get away with murder and no one does a dang thing i wish i knew what god wanted me to do with all this i am just one person and even i dont want to be in this world anymore i miss you baby i wish so much that i died the day you died so i did not have to suffer all these months what good has it done what good have i dont in these months i am a useless person who has nothing to live for nothing I want to be free like you free of the pain free of the anger free to be with you free baby how much longer will i have to live how am i to do this my anger is eating me alive murdering the person i was the person you loved and called mom whats left is a cold horrible person devoid of emotion except hate how am i to live like this please i need to be free god take me home please
april 18 somedays are just plain bad worldwide saddess at the admittance of the children and adults of virgnia tech and all the outrage it will cause and yet every year children like you my love are killed by doctors and hosptials and yet no one bats and eye such a sad world it is sometimes i wonder how god can look down and see all the pain and suffering and still not do something stop it send his son a second time to rid the world of evil and bring a new calm peaceful world i know parents like myself can only dream of all day long i heard and read of those wonderful children all older than you and had dreams like you may have had one day but were denied by those in miami who killed you no one seems to care how many children die at their hands no one cares how many lives they have distroyed i hurt those parents and families now hurt a nation hurts over the actions of a mad man but as i said no one cares about the children who die like you did its a world upside down my baby every network shows this troubled young man every one speculates why he did this henious act those parents who tonight now walk in my shoes their pain is my pain we now share the hurt and pain of losing our children from the acts of a human being who cared not for the lifes they took then miami cared about the lifes they have taken from the children and family I pray for those families that in the comming weeks and months people stay by them and let them cry and grieve as much as they need may they never leave them my tears today my love are not just for you but for all the children and all the families whose lifes are distroyed by human beings such as that man child but also for all the children who died too young who should be here but are not but for the actions of others be it a crazy man child or a crazy neglectful doctor like those in miami who took your life. i wondered on a site that contained a beautiful song written by celine dion it touched my heart so much i thought i would share it with you hope you find it as pretty as i do never forget some children die too young for these children and all the children who have died too young including those who died yesterday at virgnia tech may their souls fly free and their parents find peace Celine Dion - Fly Lyrics Fly, fly little wing Fly beyond imagining
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